Literature

Reading seemed to be the only thing that could calm my mind tonight. I love receiving packages and cards in the mail so even though I could easily go out and buy books, I opt to order them from Amazon just to have something to look forward to in the mail, something to look forward to at all. Within the past week I have received 3 books, two of which I ordered on nights I ached beyond relief for my baby.
"Grieving the Child I Never Knew" is a Christian devotional aimed to help one journal through their grief. "Empty Arms" is another Christian book written by a professional counselor and pastors wife. Her words are uplifting and help to put to rest some of the very pressing questions I have had for God.
I have also been working on finishing another baby loss book that I ordered shortly after losing Dash; "An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination." I decided to finish up the last few chapters in this book tonight after devouring about 150 pages in my "Empty Arms" book. I forgot that back in May when I had finished the majority of the "figment" book, I had highlighted helpful and all too true lines. Reading back on these tonight made me cry, for the things I related with then are still all too true today. I guess I hoped there would be some sort of significant change, that my pain and bitterness would morph into something less depressing. But here I am still crying into my books and wishing things were different...

"The love for the first magnifies the love for the second and visa versa."

"Lighter things will happen to you, birds will steal your husbands sandwich on the beach, and your child will still be dead."

"I felt a strange responsibility to sound as though I were not going mad with sorrow."

"I want a book that acknowledges that life goes on but that death goes on, too, that a person who is dead is a long, long story. You move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends may say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again, Your child will still be dead."

"A stillborn child is really only ever his death. He didn't live: that's how he's defined. Once he fades from memory there's little evidence at all, nothing that could turn up, for instance, at a French flea market, or be handed down through the family"

"It was very strange to have been so happy so recently, and I felt that if I puzzled it over enough I might be able to find my way back-not to experience it again, of course, but to conjure up the smell on the hem of an article of clothing, to touch in some abstract way something that had innocently, casually touched my happiness, since there would be nothing literal for me to touch."

"After the baby died, I told Edward over and over again that I didn't want to forget any of it: the happiness was real, as real as the baby himself, and it would be terrible, unforgivable, to forget it."

"I missed the child we lost and I wanted another and these seemed like two absolutely separate aches."

"To know that other people were sad made Pudding more real."

"But my grief was still fresh, grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving."

"It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This does not have to be a secret."

I hope to read this book again a few months from now, then maybe a year from now to see if I have changed, if anything has changed.

Hate

My life pretty much sucks right now, I am such a bitter and resentful person now and I hate myself for it. I have some good moments but most are not, I'm someone I never thought I would be. I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until I get my baby back...

Christmas List

A very accurate Christmas Wishlist written by a fellow baby loss mommy (with a few of my own modifications)...


1. Kleenex, for all the crying I'll surely be doing. If you want to make it really special, you can get me a couple boxes of that expensive 8-ply stuff that is super thick and smells like fancy lotion. A few travel packs for my purse would be nice, too, so the next time I'm in the middle of Target and see a 'baby's first Christmas' ornament, I have something to sob into (other than my poor jacket sleeve).

2. Noise-canceling headphones, to drown out all the happy Christmas music playing everywhere I go. Seriously, if I have to hear the phrase 'it's the most wonderful time of the year' one more time, I'm going to freak. More like 'it's the most depressing, heartbreaking time of the year,' if you ask me.

3. White wine. Lots of it. Seriously, how else am I supposed to get through this month??

4. A concussion. A little bit of memory loss would be nice, so I can stop thinking about how wonderful my life was this month a year ago.

5. A vacation. A completely isolated tropical island would be ideal.

6. My baby boy back.

Grief Stricken

Today I feel like everything is unfair. Maybe it's the holiday season or maybe I'm just jaded but I feel bitter and just plain sad. Each day I feel the physical pain of what is missing from my life, from my family. I'm stuck between stages 3 and 4 of grief; Anger and Depression. Most days I feel these emotions simultaneously and it just compounds until I'm just incapacitated, wanting to hibernate for weeks. I feel bad for my husband and my daughter, they deserve the mommy and wife that I was, not this shell of a person I've become after losing Dash.
And the waiting game of "when will things get better" continues.

Memorial Video

Tomorrow is October 15, the national day of remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Last year I had no idea this day existed, this year I have been preparing for this day that remembers so many little ones lost. So much can happen in a year, hopes and dreams can be shattered and a day that was once like all others can bear so much significance.
My goal with "Dash's Angel Babies" is to educate everyone I can reach about the loss of a pregnancy or infant after birth. That October 15 may be a day of remembrance in everyones lives, not just for those who have experienced a loss.
In other news, I was planning to go to bed early tonight, like 6pm early. I've been pretty down this week and had no motivation to continue being awake and bummed out. Instead though I made a memorial video for you baby. I am really pleased with how it turned out too!

Pictures

The knot in my stomach tonight wont go away. I was working on your website and had to upload a photo, it happened to be in the same folder as the pictures I took of you the day you were born. I hadn't looked at the pictures in quite some time and it caught me completely off guard, your little body so perfect. Mommy loves you dearly.

Congratulations! It's an angel baby!

Today was your due date, the day I looked forward to since the moment I saw the + on that pregnancy test. The anxiety leading up to today was paralyzing, just thinking about it got my heart racing and head pounding. But as I woke up today to a flat belly and no baby cooing beside my bed, I surprisingly felt "ok". Today was just another day of missing you, another day of wishing things were different.
I wanted to do something to celebrate the life that you did have and to embrace the new life I have. I took my nursing entrance test this morning and did phenomenally, I knew you would be so proud of mommy for pursuing her dreams. I needed to do something for me today, to prove to myself that my life and my future didnt stop when I lost you...taking that test was the first step. I spent this afternoon thinking of you and did a balloon release in celebration of YOU. Balloons for you, my baby, for the love that we will always have. Hugs, kisses and sweet dreams to you my son.

Legacy

Mommy and her dear friend Ashley (Rykers Mommy)have been working on something special in your memory baby. We have finally gotten things off the ground and running and have begun to share our mission with others. For all my cyber friends, the link is:

www.dashsangelbabies.com

This is all for you and all because of you Dash. Friends, family and strangers will know you and your story, your great love, forever and ever.

Horror Film

Oh little man, I miss you so much it hurts. The events of our last days together haunt me. Each day I wake up with a brief moment of calm and then reality stabs me in the heart. Every day is the same, I replay the joy of finding out you were a boy to the despair of the silent ultrasound room and the moment I first held you. Its like a silent horror film playing over and over again in my head, I cant shake it off. I often catch myself staring off into nothingness, watching that film play on repeat, friends have had to litterally snap me out of it, bring me back to reality. I miss entire conversations and important details, all while Im in a fantasy land where you are still with me, I haven't yet had to watch you wheeled from my room for the last time. I have a knot in my throat just typing this out, how am I supposed to function in everyday life?
Sigh, mommy hurts tonight, just like every night. Visit me in my dreams ok? We can dance and play until the sun comes up.

Due Date

"That day" is fast approaching. The one I was looking forward to, your due date, your birthday. I have been keeping my mind busy but as September nears I start to panic. I should be 8 1/2 months pregnant and finishing up your nursery, having baby showers and talking about how excited and nervous I am for you. Instead I get to sit in misery wondering how on earth I will keep it together on your day, September 29, 2010. Big sister Addison's birthday is September 30, I will need to be happy for her but I do fear that for many years to come, her birthday will always be overshadowed by my sadness of losing you.
What is is with dates that get us? I miss you dearly every day but certain days are just harder, the numerical date is so significant. I stopped counting how many weeks pregnant I would be, it was just plain depressing. I do still mourn on the 22nd of every month, another month away from when I held you in my arms. With each passing day it gets harder and easier at the same time. Its such a hard emotion to explain but one thing I do know for sure is that I love you Dashy!

Ow

It was one of those times I was completely blindsighted by a mention of you. I was reading through my email this morning and came to one from Target requesting me to "update my baby registry." The way the email felt was pretty much summed up by these two sentences...

"Be sure to check back often to see the latest and greatest items for your little bundle of joy.
Thanks for making us a part of your growing family's life."

Ouch. I felt like I got kicked in the gut. I wanted to write a nasty email to Target and make them feel really bad about sending me such an email for my dead baby but I still do have a rational side that told me it wasn't their fault. I'm so angry that little things like this keep happening to me on "good days" and it is all down hill from there. I'm sure as my due date approaches there will be more of these little reminders and it makes me hurt.

Footprints

I so badly wish that I had your little footprints, how my heart would leap with joy. I have pictures, many of your feet and hands but looking at those, at your still body, it hurts every fiber of my being, brings back all the tremendous pain I felt that day. I know that nurse Judy tried so hard to get a hand or footprint for mommy, she knew how badly I wanted one. She brought you back to my bedside and showed me the smudges and imprints she was able to get. Knowing what they are mean a lot to me but if I wasn't told I would have no idea what those small black smudges are. I know why she couldn't get a clear print, I know that your hands and feet were so delicate, she didnt want to "hurt" you, didn't want to scare mommy if something went wrong. I wish I could stare in wonder at you again, how perfectly you were formed, how tiny you were, how much joy you brought me. I want to snuggle you my baby, close to mommy forever and ever.

Reality

Just wanted to update and let all my cyber mommys know that I'm doing ok, I have just been on a hiatus from reality for the past month. Addison and I went to Minnesota to stay with my Dad and visit family and friends. It was so nice to get away from the place that constantly reminds me of Dash, I felt like I could breath again. I will get back to updating as soon as things are in order here. I have been thinking of you all and the amazing love we have for our babies...such a beautiful thing.

Different Perspectives

I follow a lot of blogs nowadays, fellow mothers of dead babies, what a great group to be a part of...not. I follow one blog that is called "Still Life 365." It is a collaborative art blog, a "year of art by mothers, fathers and family members grieving babies." Todays post was a very simplistic yet beautiful acrylic painting. The words painted on it were what struck me most:



I have never thought of your life or death this way but wow, truer words have never been spoken. I truly did hold you for every second of your life. For almost 5 months it was you and me baby, you knew me inside and out, I just wish I could have known you the same way. I do feel blessed that you knew me, your mommy, for your whole life and you lived a beautiful, comfortable and loving life in my womb. For that I am so thankful.

Trials

Hi Baby,
How is heaven tonight? It's hot and fast paced and horrible here. The bad news just never stops around here and I'm starting to get really sick and tired of "being strong" and believing "things happen for a reason." I firmly believed that your life and death had a purpose, something I may not understand for a long time, if ever. I believed that God guides us all through trials and from them we become more loving and gracious people. I'm really starting to doubt this theory and God himself, to follow him blindly is becoming increasingly difficult.

There are mounting problems here at home; money, anger, job security and future just to name a few. My world as I knew it 2 months and 2 weeks ago is completely gone or should I say it never really changed and because of that daddy and I are so broken. We had all of these wonderful plans, hopes for your September arrival and the joy you would bring to our lives. That dream crashed and burned and we are now in a very dark and turbulent life. Over these months I have reasoned with God, alot. I pray that your death and the horrible experience we endured during our hospital stay can be the end of our suffering for awhile, the end of our "bad luck." The bad news just keeps compiling though. We are good people, loving and giving, why us? Why all of these things at once? Maybe you could talk to God for mommy and daddy, let him know that we've learned many lessons but need a break now. I so badly want to focus on coming to terms and healing from your loss but its hard to do when my whole world is crumbling around me.

I love you my baby. I dont think that "I think of you every second of every day" is an understatement. I miss you terribly.

Love,
Mommy

Infinity

Reading a fellow baby loss mommys blog tonight, something that she said really struck me. I had never thought about my loss this way and it made me so very sad.
"I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too."

I remember learning in grade school that you could count forever, until infinity. I made up my mind that I would spend as long as it took to count until the very last number known to man and be the first woman ever to count to infinity...I was an optimist back then, not so much anymore. I will never get there, the only thing I know for sure anymore is that someday I will die and the "days since losing Dash count up" will turn into an eternity of "days in Heaven with Dash count up." I have a place and purpose here on earth, when that is fulfilled, I cant wait to dance, sing, laugh, and hold you in heaven.

I couldn't have said it better myself...

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying at night

when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her

to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach

that never wash away ...

I watch over my surviving Mom

who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others ...

a smile of disguise!

But through Heaven's door

I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death;

To keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows

it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom

through Heaven's open door ...

I try to tell her that angels

protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,

or ease the burden she bears.

So, if you get a chance, go visit her.

Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says ...

no matter what she feels.

My surviving Mom has a broken heart

that time won't ever heal.

Memory Box

Mommy has such dear dear friends, without them I dont know where I would be, possibly locked up in a mental ward somewhere. Daddy and sister Addison have been amazing, as well as grandma and grandpa but there is something about a friend, someone who is not obligated by blood or marriage, sticking around through the tough times and offering all they have to give to make my living hell a little bit nicer.

My dear friend Ashley text me yesterday saying she sent out an overnight package, a "gift for you and Dash." I thought "A gift for me and my dead son? What on earth could it be?" It arrived in the mail today, Daddy found it on the front stoop when he arrived home from work. I first opened a beautifully worded letter she had included as well as a card from her mom...such sweet hearts they have. I opened the gift and immediately knew what it was and it was perfect. In "Project 365" I had taken a picture of the cardboard box from the hospital (a formula box no less ugh) that holds all of your things. It depresses me every time I look in there, I feel such immense hurt deep in my heart and every time I close it I feel like I'm suffocating you. Ashley spent a week making a beautiful memory box, filled on the inside and out with thoughts of you. It is something I can look at now and not want to shove into the back of a closet, I can open it and feel like your life radiates from inside. I have no words to describe what a absolutely perfect and heartfelt gift this was, I guess thats the mark of a true friend...they just know. I will work on moving all of your blankies, pictures and papers over into the new box and just know it will help my heart smile again.

I love you Dash, deeper than the seas, higher than the skies, until the end of time.



She included the story I wrote of your birth, now it will never be forgotten <3 style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB3uodmU-hvJEwGuil0dThd9HMhEhrKt7sTsrjowKf_U3436Iz3_B9auTPsRQQm88LcB5xYU5gOBxWy9xxYOrO5u9o-OJR-ZYF4t8WkpAq_8ClPqfPLjXAgekL1yRTJK-VC4_BkiBdTXgy/s320/DSCF6697.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5488388040850119954" border="0">

Robbed!

Mommy feels ripped off today, like how we pay for the newspaper but our delivery is often overlooked or like when my health insurance refuses to pay for things. It just makes me so mad, thinking about the minimum respect and courtesy, at the very least, I should be afforded as a human being.

All around me, friends are getting their "happy endings" they have always dreamed of. I feel like I can't even go onto the internet or get together with friends without learning of something that makes me feel totally gypped. A friend of mine who was about 8 weeks behind me in her pregnancy just found out yesterday that she is having the girl she has always wanted. She already has a son and now her family is complete. Many other of my close friends are living the same perfect story. Mommy and Daddys dreams came true too when we learned you were the boy we had hoped for but a week later all those dreams we had dreamed came crashing down. When the ultrasound technician told us "there is no heartbeat anymore" we immediately felt like we had been unjustly robbed of the happiness and family that was rightfully ours. I can't help but feel a twinge of that anger again when I hear of others "happy endings."

I do not wish the loss of a child on anyone, I just wish baby's being born could be put on hold for awhile so I can grieve in peace. The cherry on top of this latest news was that one of her top 3 names for her daughter is what I had wanted to name you if you were a girl and what I had hoped to name a daughter in the future. It's not like I ever told her of the name or like she stole it from me but I do feel robbed. Not only have my hopes and dreams literally been "dashed" but now I dont even have the name I love for a possible future daughter. I know I am overreacting and I know it sounds silly but the littlest most insignificant things hurt so deeply nowadays. I wish I wasn't so fragile but I am.

The first bill...

The first bill from your birth arrived today. It has been 2 months and 1 day since you left my belly, I knew it was coming but wish I would have been prepared. The bill is from the pathology lab which was supposed to run the tests we requested on your placenta, umbilical cord and on mommys blood. We found out about a month ago that they "unfortunately" made an error and the correct tests were not done. Would the test have given us answer to our whys? Maybe. But now we will never know because someone who doesn't take their job seriously or is completely incompetent was put in charge of our lab work and they screwed it up. We only had one shot, one small window for the tests and it is long gone.
There are so many things about our experience that make me so angry inside. I hold onto them as more fuel to my grief fire. Things I would have wished for other than never having to go through laboring with my dead son would be:
-Compassionate nurses
-One nurse assigned to me on each shift who knew my situation
-A competent social worker who wouldn't have just handed us a packet on grief resources and told us "you will have more kids someday and you'll move on"
-Offers of bereavement services from the hospital. Instead of this, we had to nag the nurses to get in touch with the appropriate resources.
-A different delivering doctor. One that would have not treated you like a specimen but like the son you were to us. One that would not have blinked an eye when asked to sign your death certificate, then we could have had you cremated immediately, instead you sat in the morgue for over a week because of one signature that the doctor was too lazy to do.

These are just a few of the situations that still anger and hurt me so deeply. But I do want to acknowledge the "diamonds in the rough" that made the process somewhat bearable. My night nurse Judy who checked in on me and sat to listen to me cry and talk. She is the one who took you to the nursery to get your foot and hand prints done and who wrapped you up in a nice warm blanket just your size. She was our guardian angel. Also, the funeral home who was willing to do everything possible to obtain our delivering doctors signature so they could proceed with the cremation. They called us daily with updates and explained everything to us just like we were family. For them I am so grateful.

There will always be those who treat their job as just that, a job. But there are those few special people who are willing to go out of their way, above and beyond to make anothers nightmare more bearable and for these kind hearted people I am so grateful.

Fathers Day

Mommy and Daddy have been very sad the past few days baby. Not that we aren't always sad nowadays but there has been a lingering and overwhelming sense of dread and emptiness which has been hard to deal with, especially with Fathers Day yesterday. I wasn't sure how I should honor you on your daddy's special day but wanted to do something meaningful. Daddy isn't a big jewelry wearer, it took him months to get used to wearing his wedding band but he has commented quite a bit on the two memorial necklaces I had made in your memory. I went to one of my favorite little stores, "Things Remembered" and picked out a dog tag style necklace and had it engraved with your name, date of birth and angel wings. It came in a beautiful silver presentation box which I had engraved with "Daddy." It all turned out beautifully and I looked forward to giving it to daddy for you. As soon as daddy realized what it was, he got very quiet, very sad and just placed it back in the box. I was not expecting this reaction at all as he had been in good spirits earlier. I guess just like me, there are certain things that trigger that sadness and helplessness of losing you. It can come out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks; one of the worst feelings ever. I feel like I ruined Daddy's day, that he was trying so hard to put on a happy face and I had to go and stick your death in his face. I feel so horrible inside, maybe I should have waited, maybe I should have warned him what it was? Mommy screwed up. I so wish we didn't even have to think of such things, that you were safely in my belly giving daddy Fathers Day kicks. We miss you baby and special days make the pain that much more deep.


The smaller of the two dog tags has April 22, 2010 engraved on one side and angel wings on the other.

Just What I Needed

I had lunch with a dear friend today who I have known for about 4 years now. We had been in the habit of meeting for weekly lunches and catching up and the last time I saw her was right before you died. She has called me multiple times since that day and I just haven't had the guts or steady nerves to answer. Finally, we made a lunch date for today and it was so wonderful to see her. We talked around you for quite some time and then she suddenly she looked at my neck and asked "Is that the necklace you got in memory Dash?" Oh my gosh! She said your name! She acknowledged you were a person and loved and wanted, that you were real. I was taken aback as most people do not refer to you by your name, hell most people want to avoid the subject all together. I could have cried and jumped for joy when she actually spoke of you, my son. She admitted that she had no idea what to say to me today, whether to ask questions or completely avoid the subject all together. I so appreciate her honesty and the courage it took her to admit to me that she was clueless as how to approach me. That is what I truly need from all people in my life, for them to come to me and say something to the effect of "I dont know what to say to you or if I should say anything at all but I am so sorry about the loss of your son Dash and I am here if you ever want to talk." Don't try to "fix" it or tell me that you understand how I feel because you cant and you dont.
I also received an email from a friend today that said she saw this quote and immediately thought of me...
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us."
I enjoyed every second with you and you are a part of me forever Dash.
Love,
Mommy

Forgetting

I feel like day to day I cant count on any emotion, I go from feeling numb to complete devastation and then onto a calm sense of peace as the days pass by and I wonder if there will ever be a time where I can "accept" that I lost you and begin to live again. I feel like the days are slipping out of my fingers and I feel guilty and angry that I am starting to "forget." I was writing a story the other day and trying to recall your birth weight and height and I drew a complete blank. I just dissolved to tears, what horrible mother forgets that 8 weeks after her baby dies? I dug to the bottom of your memory box to find your name card and came upon your things. Blankets and a teddy bear that actually touched you, have traces of you still. It hurts. Every day that I live is another day further from the last time I held you and sang you lullabies, gave you kisses on your toes and marveled at how perfect you were. Words are failing me tonight, I cant seem to put my thoughts into comprehensible sentences but I know that I'm feeling guilty and lonely and wanting to hold you.

Letter from a friend

I received an email from a friend last night. It brought tears to my eyes to hear someone talk about me with such love when right now I feel like I am really hard to love...

"Sorry it has taken me so long to write you. Truthfully I still don't know what to say or how to say it. It seems there's never a "right" thing to say when someone is grieving, and loss in any way is something I am not good at. I am however very compassionate so there are a few things I do want to say (because I'm sure no one has said them already lol). My eyes fill with tears when you post pictures or comments about missing Dash. Not just because of the hurt or sadness, but because of the amount of love you convey towards him. You are so strong and such a wonderful mother to both of your children that I catch myself not focussing on the "off" days I have with Payton but treasuring them. Addison and Dash are so lucky to be able to call you their Mom and Alex lucky to call you his wife. You are truly amazing and although you may not feel it sometimes that makes you even more amazing. I think and pray for your family everyday and every night that you get what you're searching for and what you deserve. If you ever need a few hours, a day, or an evening free I would be honored and pleased to have Addison hang out with us. That offer also stands if you and Addison ever want to get out and about as well. I don't expect a response, as that is definitely not the purpose of this. I just wanted you to know that you are thought about and well loved by more people than you realize!"

What wonderful friends I have baby. I only wish we all could have loved you up for years to come.

I received my "cremains pendant" in the mail today and it is beautiful. When we first lost you, I had thought about doing something with your cremains and a friend of mine sent me a site that makes keepsake cremains jewelry. What a wonderful and comforting idea to carry a part of you around with me in a beautiful necklace! It came with a "kit" to transfer some of your ashes from your urn to the pendant and I was very anxious about doing it. It may sound weird but I didnt want to "spill" or "lose" any part of you but with shaky hands I managed to fill my beautiful pendant and look forward to wearing it around my neck. I firmly believe that energy never dies, it just regenerates in different forms. I will now carry your beautiful energy and smile with me every day, thank you so much for being my baby.



I highly recommend this site to anyone who may be interested in purchasing "cremains jewelry":
http://www.ashestoashes.com/

Footprints

I wish I had your footprints baby. Our nurse tried so hard to get your tiny little prints but just couldn't and didn't want to hurt you. We do have little imprints in clay of your feet and hands that our nurse was so sweet as to do for us but it just isn't the same. I have your sisters big strong footprints and only smudges of yours. I saw a mommy at the pool today with tiny baby footprints on her own foot, I can only imagine that she is an angel mommy too.
I am trying to come up with a tattoo to memorialize and remember you by but haven't come up with anything that is perfect yet, nothing that feels "right." All of my tattoos have a deep personal meaning to me and I want yours to be just as special my Dash. I love you my son. See you in my dreams?

Photographic grief and healing

One of the ways i have been dealing with my grief is by joining an online community of other mommy's who have lost their babies too. Although it is heartbreaking and depressing at times, it also provides me an outlet for my sadness, anger, confusion and anxiety and gives your daddy an emotional break. I don't want to overwhelm him as he too has profound sadness that he needs to be allowed to heal from.
Through this network of mamas I have discovered many wonderful ways of memorializing you, like the pictures that I have posted on the side of your blog. There is a mommy in my group who lost her daughter around the same time I lost you. Juts like you, her heart stopped beating and she is now an angel baby. Her mommy decided to do a project called "Project 365." A one year photographic journey through grief and healing, each day one picture is taken and records the emotions felt at that time. Thinking about a year from now, I don't know where I will be but I know I will still miss you terribly. I want to make sure I remember this time as best as I can for though it may hurt, I am surely to grow and I don't want to overlook those triumphs. My very own "Project 365" started yesterday and will have a special tab at the top of your blog. I miss you little one.


6/7/10 Dash's beautiful urn basking in the warmth of the afternoon sunlight...


6/8/10 Countless hours spent staring at the ceiling and searching for answers

The old me

I really miss my "old" life, the one I had before I was told that your heart had stopped beating. I miss being carefree and feeling like the luckiest mommy alive. I dont think I ever took you or the blessing of your sister Addison for granted yet you were taken away from me. I believe with all of my heart that things "happen for a reason" so why then did God take you from me? I loved you, I wanted you and I did everything I could to protect you, yet you are gone. I so badly want to hold you my little man, to see you smile at me and hear you giggle. I try not to ask God this question but every so often it creeps into my thoughts "Why me?" I did everything right but lost you. What sort of lesson is this supposed to be teaching me? No matter how great the lesson though, I would rather have you in my arms, you to kiss and love and hold forever. My baby, my Dash I love you deeper than the oceans and brighter than the stars.



Your urn basking in the warmth of the afternoon sunlight <3

I'm ok

Mommy is very blessed with wonderful people in her life. They all tell me how strong I am and how I have inspired them but really I feel like they are the strong ones for being present in this time of grief for me and for their prayers of hope and healing.
Sister Addison had a birthday party of a friend on Saturday. We went as a family, the first big event we've been to since we lost you. I cannot even put into words how painful it was to see all of my pregnant friends (and by all I mean 75% of the women there)it hurt to know that their happiness was something I used to have too. After greeting everyone, your daddy finally said to me "Why are you telling everyone you're good? It's ok to tell them the truth." Why dont I tell them the truth? Because then I will be that fragile and unsteady mother, the one who may loose it at any momemnt. This was a bithday party, a happy event, it's not my place to wallow in self pity. I may be grieving but I am not selfish, although sometimes I want to be. Truthfully, I do tell close friends when I am not doing ok or when the pain of losing you is really hurting but for "casual friends" I don't feel comfortable admitting how much it kills me that you died, how much I cry every day and how miserable I am. Not only would I be putting myself on a limb to someone who may not know how to react or may say something to really hurt me, I just dont feel like it would do much good. My coined answer to the question "How are you doing" is now "I'm ok."

please dont forget

Wise words from a fellow baby lost mommy...
"i am not scared that i will forget. i am scared that everyone else will forget..."

This is exactly how I feel. Maybe that is why I have this burning need to talk about you whenever I can, to remind people that you were alive and loved and wanted. That no child will ever replace you as long as the sun shines and the moon rises in the night. I love you my sweet pea <3

"Great News"

Great. One of my friends just announced on Facebook that she and her fiance are expecting in December. These are the moments that I lose all hope of ever feeling happiness again. Others around me are so full of joy and I'm just empty.

Birth

Today was a hard day for mommy. Well what else is new right? I found out I was expecting you about 3 months after one of my closest friends Ashley discovered she was expecting her third son in June. What fun we thought! We made great plans for you and Ryker growing up together,playing together and how fun and special it would be to have you both so close in age. Ryker was born yesterday, healthy and strong. I couldn't help but burst out in tears with joy for Ashley but sadness for myself, my empty womb and the fact that whenever I see Ryker I will think about how you should be just 2 steps behind him.
In the midst of my tears and grief I felt it was only right to visit Ashley in the hospital and to meet her little miracle. I went to Target this morning to pick out a few special things for baby. She had mentioned that she needed newborn diapers so I picked her up a jumbo pack of swaddlers, my favorite. I didn't realize it right away but our cashier was a young, blonde and bubbley woman about 8 months pregnant. The diapers were the last thing she rang up, she looked at me and your sister Addison, down at my belly then back at me. I was praying that she wouldn't say anything. Unfortunately she asked enthusiastically "Oh! Do you have a newborn at home?!?" It took all my strength not to burst into tears and have a massive meltdown right there in the checkout line. I simply told her "No, my friend just had a baby," and I left it at that. I couldn't get out of the store fast enough, it hurt so bad to hear those words. I should have you, I should be buying diapers in anticipation of your arrival but instead I cry every night and look at your urn and pictures of the day you were born. It just seems so cruel, sometimes I wish I could wear a shirt that says "My baby died and my life is pretty much shit right now. Please don't say anything that might upset me."
I dropped Addison off at home with daddy, children arent allowed in the hospital unless they are the brother or sister of the newborn. Brother or Sister of the Newborn...Signs saying that were everywhere once I got to the hospital, I just wanted to tear them down and shout from the rooftops that Addison was supposed to be a big sister, my son is supposed to be here with ME! I was let into the OB department, I walked past all of the L&D rooms and tears welled in my eyes, from there on I just kept my head down until I found Ashley's room. I knocked and walked in to find her snuggling with Ryker. It took a lot of energy to keep my composure but I was able to give her a big hug and congratulations. I wasn't sure how I would feel about seeing and holding baby Ryker but once he was in my arms I never wanted to let him go. It was so wonderful to feel life again, something so innocent and beautiful that was sent straight from God. I felt like he was the closest thing to heaven that I have held since the last time I kissed you goodbye. I asked him if he knew you and gave you a big hug for me before he was born into this world, I think he did.
My heart does break knowing that you boys would have been so close but having the opportunity to help in raising and loving another little boy that was planned for and so dearly loved just as you were, it makes my heart happy.

I will carry you

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Shared pain

So many times I feel so alone in all this, like no one will ever understand what pain my heart feels. The reality is that there is a whole network of baby lost mommys who have been there and have lost babies too. All have their own story and the saddest part is knowing that each involves a little baby just like you who never experienced life on earth or felt the warmth of the sun on their skin. I hurt knowing that all of these other mothers hurt just as I do and we all have lost a piece of who we are the day we lost our babies.
I dont want you to think that you are what makes mommy sad. I just miss you and wish that I could have had more time with you, taught you to throw a ball and see you off to your first day of school. Most of the memories I have of you are of the sad days in which we learned you had died and the even harder ones that have followed. Knowing that you are watching over me and your daddy makes my heart smile though. Each day I try to remember something happy about you, my little man. Your life was a gift to us and I am so thankful that God trusted us with you for those 17 weeks we had together.

What I Hate The Most

I wrote an email to your daddy 2 weeks after we lost you expressing all the things that tear me apart with regards to losing you. I was looking back at it just now and some things have gotten less hard while others are just as hard if not worse...


I hate that I still catch myself rubbing my belly sometimes.

I hate that everyone I seem to know is pregnant and due around Dash's due date.

I hate that I am getting baby shower invitations in the mail for friends babies when I should be sending out invites for MY baby.

I hate that I still hope this is all just a bad dream.

I hate that I catch myself still thinking he "kicked" then I realize he's gone.

I hate that people move on but I feel I never will.

I hate the awkward smiles and hugs from people who dont know what to say or do.

I hate knowing that everyone feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me.

I hate that I feel ok one day and am completely debilitated the next.

I hate that I'm bleeding.

I hate that it's only been 2 weeks and I feel like I'm already starting to forget his face.

I hate that I couldn't protect him.

I hate that my husband lost his son, I feel responsible.

I hate that we finally told everyone of our pregnancy and not more than 3 weeks later he died.

I hate that the Dr who delivered him seemed to have no feelings.

I hate that no one can make it all better.

I hate that my daughter sees me cry.

I hate that it's all about how I am doing when it's our whole family grieving.

I hate that I want to be pregnant again and at the same time never want to be pregnant again.

I hate that my heart will never feel whole again.

I hate that in future pregnancy I wont rest easy until I have a healthy baby in my arms.

I hate when people say "I know how you feel!"

I hate that I dont have my baby to hold and love and nurse and grow with.


Now, almost 5 weeks after your birth, I have a few more things to add to the list...

I hate hearing my pregnant friends complain about how tired, sick, whatever they are. I would take that any day over life without you.

I hate that we will never know what happened to you.

I hate that me going out and smiling=other people thinking everything is fine now. Things are FAR from fine.

I hate that part of the reason we bought our minivan was to have enough room for you. Your seat still sits empty.

I hate that every week that goes by I am one day further from the last time I saw you and one day closer to your due date.

I hate that you aren't here with me.


I love you Dash, so much.

Forget me not

I went to a movie with a friend today, the first one I've seen in the theater in a long time. A preview for an upcoming movie was shown about two brothers, one older and one just a child. The younger brother dies in an auto accident and the older brother lives...As he moves on with his life he still keeps the memory of his little brother alive. Then it suddenly flashes to a scene with the little brother yelling "You are starting to forget me!" I felt like a dagger had been pierced through my heart.
One of my biggest fears other than losing you, is that I will start to forget the time we had together or you will need me in some way but I will have moved on. I almost feel like you are my lost child, as if you were kidnapped from me and I still hold out hope for your return. I look around every corner hoping that it is the end of this horrible nightmare, that I will see you running to me for hugs and kisses with a smile on your face. I don't think that parents of missing children ever give up hope, ever "move on" with their lives as they would have before losing their child. Parents have to believe that there is hope and continue to fight. I can't move on without fear that you may cry and I will not be there to hold you or you will hurt and I wont be able to reach you.
My Dr tells me that I have to work to overcome my grief, to accept that this horrible thing has happened and then continue on with my life. How can I do such a thing when you were physically a part of me and now are gone? Without you I feel like I'm gasping for air, trying with all my strength to hold on to the edge of a cliff but knowing that one day I will eventually tire and then what? Do I let go and give up or do I muster up the last bits of strength I have to save myself?
I dont feel like it is fair that others are encouraging me to move forward with my life. A month ago I had you and planned for your arrival, now I have your ashes and memories that are starting to fade. It is hard to move on when I feel like you were unjustly torn away from me and that my life will never again feel whole. WHY WHY WHY!

Reminders

I'm thinking about you tonight Dash, as I always do around this time. I wish I was having late night talks with you, feeling your kicks, your hiccups and your movements in my belly. I feel very alone, as if my pain is somehow completely mine to endure and no one will ever be able to take it away. I try to be happy, I so badly want to feel sincere joy again but without you even the thought of it is distant. Daily I find little reminders of you throughout the house that catch me by surprise. Today it was the drying flowers from all of the beautiful bouquets we were sent after we lost you. I had tucked them away on a shelf and suddenly came face to face with the dried petals. I feel like we lost you so long ago as if in a different lifetime. Where are you now my baby? Mommy wants to hold you close but until that day I hold you in my heart.

"Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do"

Sweet Dreams

Goodnight my baby Dash. Mommy loves you

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

What to say

Mommy doesn't really know what to say. It seems like I always blog the same thing, "I'm sad and I miss you." But that is how I feel every day and I dont see an end. It physically hurts to get through the day. Sometimes there are moments where I smile or laugh or feel at ease but then the memory of losing you comes into my mind and I just lose it inside. A friend of mine has a sister who lost her baby twins yesterday at 22 weeks. The feelings of helplessness, sadness and anger came flooding back to me. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE?!? If I had to lose you then I wish that no one would have to endure the same pain, maybe then I could feel like losing you was positive in some way.
Mommy has started fostering dogs from the pound who are on their last hope. I have this motherly energy, this need to nurture a baby and jsut because I lost you, it doesnt mean that it has gone away and I needed to find an outlet for it. Your sister Addison is what gets me through most days, but I still feel like there is a huge part of my life missing. By helping these dogs I feel like I am doing something with my sadness and hopelessness and the puppies are so thankful for the life that I am allowing them to have.
I want you back my baby. My belly is empty, my heart aches terribly and I think about you pretty much every minute of every day. I hope you will visit me in my dreams again soon, I miss your love and your hugs, the dream of what you could have been.

missing you

I miss you. I love you. I can't imagine life without you, yet I live it every day.

It hurts

I hate this...living without you. I should be sitting here feeling your strong kicks in my belly and daydreaming about the day you are born and the life that lies ahead of you. Instead I sit here looking at online support groups and miscarriage blogs and wondering if it was something I did. I want you here with me so badly, I want to snuggle you and keep you warm. I'm in such a fog I dont think will ever end. It hurts to be awake and to think, its hard to love now knowing how quickly it can be taken away. I love you Dash, in a way I never knew I could love someone I only knew for such a short time. My heart, soul and body miss you with every fiber of my being. Mommy is very sad tonight without you...

3 weeks

3 weeks ago today I lost you. I found out only days before that your heart had stopped beating. I remember seeing you on the ultrasound snuggled up in my belly, fast asleep. Mommy had a feeling but never thought I would actually hear the words "I'm sorry. You're baby has died." I had been walking around with you inside me but you were already in heaven watching over me. I was so angry and confused when I heard the horrible words, I wanted you out of me right then but at the same time wanted to keep you inside my belly forever, so I could protect you and keep you warm.
When I delivered you, my instinct was to reach for you and hold you close. You were taken straight away and I cried for you, I didn't care what anyone said, I wanted to have you with me, our hours were numbered and I didn't want to waste a second. When I held you for the first time you were all wrapped up in your hospital blanket but I can't forget thinking how cold you were. I wrapped you up so tight and rocked and rocked and rocked you and cried, hoping somehow my pain would keep you warm. I remember thinking that the nurses probably looked at me like I had lost my mind. I was so worried about them keeping my dead baby warm and comfortable but now I don't care what they thought, I had to protect you and still feel as if I failed you.
When I said my final goodbye to you, I kissed your little nose, your long fingers and your tiny cold feet. I must have told you a million times how much I loved you and always would, somehow I felt like the words traveled to you, that if I said it enough you would finally know just how much you were loved and missed, maybe the nightmare would rewind and we would have you with us again.
When your little body left us that night, I felt so empty inside. I stared for hours at nothing. I looked out the window as the nighttime world went by and moved on. Knowing that I would have to move on without you, tore me apart. One of the things that haunts me most is thinking of the time you spent all alone in the morgue. Your tiny body so cold, mommy wasn't there to hold you. I know your soul was with God but your body was all I ever had, all I could ever protect and again I failed. You sat alone over a week and I cried and cried for you. When we finally picked up your cremains, I held you close the whole way home. I didn't have the strength to take your tiny little urn out of its box until a few days ago. Now you sit in the windowsill in the kitchen, in the best spot that gets the warmest and brightest morning and evening light. I feel like you are safe now, you are warm now and you are happy. It doesn't make me miss you any less but sometimes now I actually find myself smiling. I know you would be proud.

Welcome to my journey...

I am the mother of two, one angel daughter on earth and an angel son born into God's arms. My grief is still fresh and the tears never seem to stop. Sometimes it is easier on the heart to express guilt, anger, sadness and hurt through words on paper than spoken out loud. Through this blog I look to find peace for myself and my family. I now start my journey with hope of finding and repairing the missing pieces of my heavy heart...