Friday, June 4, 2010


Today was a hard day for mommy. Well what else is new right? I found out I was expecting you about 3 months after one of my closest friends Ashley discovered she was expecting her third son in June. What fun we thought! We made great plans for you and Ryker growing up together,playing together and how fun and special it would be to have you both so close in age. Ryker was born yesterday, healthy and strong. I couldn't help but burst out in tears with joy for Ashley but sadness for myself, my empty womb and the fact that whenever I see Ryker I will think about how you should be just 2 steps behind him.
In the midst of my tears and grief I felt it was only right to visit Ashley in the hospital and to meet her little miracle. I went to Target this morning to pick out a few special things for baby. She had mentioned that she needed newborn diapers so I picked her up a jumbo pack of swaddlers, my favorite. I didn't realize it right away but our cashier was a young, blonde and bubbley woman about 8 months pregnant. The diapers were the last thing she rang up, she looked at me and your sister Addison, down at my belly then back at me. I was praying that she wouldn't say anything. Unfortunately she asked enthusiastically "Oh! Do you have a newborn at home?!?" It took all my strength not to burst into tears and have a massive meltdown right there in the checkout line. I simply told her "No, my friend just had a baby," and I left it at that. I couldn't get out of the store fast enough, it hurt so bad to hear those words. I should have you, I should be buying diapers in anticipation of your arrival but instead I cry every night and look at your urn and pictures of the day you were born. It just seems so cruel, sometimes I wish I could wear a shirt that says "My baby died and my life is pretty much shit right now. Please don't say anything that might upset me."
I dropped Addison off at home with daddy, children arent allowed in the hospital unless they are the brother or sister of the newborn. Brother or Sister of the Newborn...Signs saying that were everywhere once I got to the hospital, I just wanted to tear them down and shout from the rooftops that Addison was supposed to be a big sister, my son is supposed to be here with ME! I was let into the OB department, I walked past all of the L&D rooms and tears welled in my eyes, from there on I just kept my head down until I found Ashley's room. I knocked and walked in to find her snuggling with Ryker. It took a lot of energy to keep my composure but I was able to give her a big hug and congratulations. I wasn't sure how I would feel about seeing and holding baby Ryker but once he was in my arms I never wanted to let him go. It was so wonderful to feel life again, something so innocent and beautiful that was sent straight from God. I felt like he was the closest thing to heaven that I have held since the last time I kissed you goodbye. I asked him if he knew you and gave you a big hug for me before he was born into this world, I think he did.
My heart does break knowing that you boys would have been so close but having the opportunity to help in raising and loving another little boy that was planned for and so dearly loved just as you were, it makes my heart happy.


  1. You are a brave woman and a wonderful friend. Xoxo

  2. you are certainly a wonderful friend. i am terrified of having to actually see anyone's new baby any time soon.