Thursday, April 19, 2012

Approaching curves

Hi baby,
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and still think of you each day. Most days I can imagine you with happiness inside, so proud that I was able to carry you and that I have the honor of being your mommy for the rest of my life. Other days, like today, I think of you and tears fall, my heart aches with emptiness. 2 years ago tomorrow marks the day we were told we had lost you, that your heart was no longer beating and we would never get to bring you home. I get sick to my stomach just thinking of that morning. The silence of the fetal doppler, 3 different nurses trying to find your heartbeat, the "just to be safe" ultrasound and then your still little body nestled in mommys tummy. I've never cried and screamed so much in my life, that day and the following days in the hospital were days I wish I never had to live, wish I could forget and at the same time want to remember forever. For those were my last days with you. I keep reliving those hours of holding your little body and being so amazed and yet so completely shattered, I felt like that couldn't be my life. I dont know how I ever let the nurses take you that night, I think it was a mixture of emotional and physical exhaustion and by the grace of God that I was able to physically let you go. Thinking back on it, I don't know that I could do that again, knowing that would be the last time I would ever hold you or look at your little hands and feet or give you sweet kisses while rocking you and singing you lullabyes. A day of so many firsts and so many lasts.
Your little brother will be arriving any day now and as he kicks in my belly I just pray and hope that we will get to bring him home, that I will never have to face pain like I did with losing you. I love you so much dear child, I will be sending up birthday wishes to heaven on Sunday, celebrate big ok? You are so loved.
Your Mommy