Friday, September 7, 2012

I know you are with me today baby boy and my heart leaps thinking of your sweet face. I am working and immunization clinic today and have had 3 people that I believe you sent especially to me on this day.
1. Woman who just had back surgery and was sporting a butterfly brace.
2. A sweet man with your birthday <3
3. A woman who's son in law is the minister who came to visit us in the hospital when you died. Seriously what are the chances?

I love you so much my dear boy and feel so blessed to still receive brief visits from your spirit when I need them most.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Sunday, August 26, 2012


"I pray that you are happy,
as happy as can be.
I often wake up worrying, 
that you're crying out for me."

Friday, August 24, 2012

Always in that piece of my heart that left with you, a burning lonely ache. I miss you.

Eyes adoring big sister Addison, little brother Silas and the life that radiates in their smiles. I miss you.

Hugs, kisses, first days of school, bedtime stories, secrets, fingerpaints, bubble baths. I miss you.

Arms that hug, fingers that tickle, ears that hear joyous squeals and late night cries. I miss you.

For that hospital bed, that silence, that tiny urn, they are not the end of you, only the beginning of a life without you. I miss you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Missing You

I miss you baby. I look at your little brother in my arms and wonder what you would have been like. My pregnancy with you seems like a dream now, a memory that slips further away with each passing day. It hurts so much, my love for you is for always. Goodnight baby boy <3

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Approaching curves

Hi baby,
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and still think of you each day. Most days I can imagine you with happiness inside, so proud that I was able to carry you and that I have the honor of being your mommy for the rest of my life. Other days, like today, I think of you and tears fall, my heart aches with emptiness. 2 years ago tomorrow marks the day we were told we had lost you, that your heart was no longer beating and we would never get to bring you home. I get sick to my stomach just thinking of that morning. The silence of the fetal doppler, 3 different nurses trying to find your heartbeat, the "just to be safe" ultrasound and then your still little body nestled in mommys tummy. I've never cried and screamed so much in my life, that day and the following days in the hospital were days I wish I never had to live, wish I could forget and at the same time want to remember forever. For those were my last days with you. I keep reliving those hours of holding your little body and being so amazed and yet so completely shattered, I felt like that couldn't be my life. I dont know how I ever let the nurses take you that night, I think it was a mixture of emotional and physical exhaustion and by the grace of God that I was able to physically let you go. Thinking back on it, I don't know that I could do that again, knowing that would be the last time I would ever hold you or look at your little hands and feet or give you sweet kisses while rocking you and singing you lullabyes. A day of so many firsts and so many lasts.
Your little brother will be arriving any day now and as he kicks in my belly I just pray and hope that we will get to bring him home, that I will never have to face pain like I did with losing you. I love you so much dear child, I will be sending up birthday wishes to heaven on Sunday, celebrate big ok? You are so loved.
Your Mommy

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Torn Heart

Sitting down to blog I know what I want to say but I'm not sure who I want to say it to; You? Baby Squishy? Me?

The past 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. The fear of losing this new precious life inside me, the saddness that I feel when I think of how far away I feel from you Dashy, the anger I feel all over again that you were
taken from me, and of course the excitement of thinking what joy will come if/when I hold another wriggling, screaming, breathing, ALIVE baby in my arms.
If/when...every thought is plagued with the possibility that such a dream won't come true. That this baby won't make it either, this baby's heart will stop and nothing but silent tears will follow.
I heard a beautiful song on my Christian Radio channel this morning titled "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. He is actually the lead singer of Sanctus Real and he and his wife are parents of a stillborn daughter. Maybe that's why it struck something so deep within me.
The opening verse so beautifully puts into song the struggles I feel:
"Afraid to love, something that could break. Could I move on, if you were torn away."

I love the life growing inside me, I also know how quickly it can be taken away... So I have decided to live day by day, enjoy my beautiful baby while his/ her life is inside me. Each day baby and I have together, I praise God. For this wonderful gift I have been blessed with, I am so thankful!

Friday was my NT scan. I was of course nervous but excited to see how much baby has grown since my 9 week ultrasound. I stared at the screen and fell in love all over again. As we watched babies heart beating, I realized the song on the overhead speaker was Journey: "Don't Stop Believing." And believe me baby Squishy I will never stop believing that I will hold you in my arms, alive and perfect. And I will never stop believing that I will be with you in Heaven someday Dashy <3
Love you,

12 weeks 2 days

Friday, September 16, 2011

A new addition

*As most of my followers are fellow baby loss moms, I just want to put a disclaimer that in this post pregnancy is mentioned*
Hi Baby,
Mommy has been thinking about you so much lately, life is so busy right now but reminders of you are still around every turn. Mommy has some exciting news for you my love...You are going to be a big brother! Oh how I wish I could dress you up in a cute little onesie that said "Big Brother" or hold you and Addison and celebrate together. At least I can come here though and share with you something that is so closely connected to you.
Since finding out, I have been terrified nonstop. What if something happens again, what would I do? Would I completely lose my mind? To grieve like that again, I just cannot imagine. I hate feeling powerless when it comes to my children but that is just how I feel. I am doing everything in my power to grow a healthy baby, just like I did with you and Addison but sometimes God has other plans. Please God let your plan for our family be for this baby to arrive safely, screaming and kicking the whole way out.
I love you Dashy, more and more each day.