Monday, June 21, 2010

Fathers Day

Mommy and Daddy have been very sad the past few days baby. Not that we aren't always sad nowadays but there has been a lingering and overwhelming sense of dread and emptiness which has been hard to deal with, especially with Fathers Day yesterday. I wasn't sure how I should honor you on your daddy's special day but wanted to do something meaningful. Daddy isn't a big jewelry wearer, it took him months to get used to wearing his wedding band but he has commented quite a bit on the two memorial necklaces I had made in your memory. I went to one of my favorite little stores, "Things Remembered" and picked out a dog tag style necklace and had it engraved with your name, date of birth and angel wings. It came in a beautiful silver presentation box which I had engraved with "Daddy." It all turned out beautifully and I looked forward to giving it to daddy for you. As soon as daddy realized what it was, he got very quiet, very sad and just placed it back in the box. I was not expecting this reaction at all as he had been in good spirits earlier. I guess just like me, there are certain things that trigger that sadness and helplessness of losing you. It can come out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks; one of the worst feelings ever. I feel like I ruined Daddy's day, that he was trying so hard to put on a happy face and I had to go and stick your death in his face. I feel so horrible inside, maybe I should have waited, maybe I should have warned him what it was? Mommy screwed up. I so wish we didn't even have to think of such things, that you were safely in my belly giving daddy Fathers Day kicks. We miss you baby and special days make the pain that much more deep.

The smaller of the two dog tags has April 22, 2010 engraved on one side and angel wings on the other.


  1. I'm sure your husband loved your gift.

    My husband acts like he is okay alot of the time, but something happens and he has bad moments too. I don't like bringing Jacob up as much as I would like to because I am scared of ruining his good mood too and the more I bring him up, the more he worries about me.

    I think your gift was beautiful.

    I'm sorry Dash isn't still with you.


  2. i gave something almost identical to my husband, also from things remembered, and used the same phrase, "forever my son." i didn't really expect him to wear it but i wanted him to have it. he put it away and it hasn't been out since. he doesn't talk about kenny. i tried to force him once and that was a huge mess. i, too, pick and choose the times i talk about him. he also doesn't know how much time i spend on babycenter or reading blogs - or posting my own. he just doesn't understand how important this connection is for me. in general he's very supportive and he while he doesn't "get it," he at least realizes that this is very different for me.