I feel like a horrible person for some of the thoughts I have nowadays. Most recently though I torture myself by looking at Facebook posts and blogs of my mommy friends that are expecting their second baby. They post belly pics, name ideas, ultrasounds and finished nurserys. All I can think is "well I hope your baby doesn't die before it's born like mine did." I can't help but feel guilty for having these feelings but the loss of my living, breathing, moving baby has opened my eyes to all of the terrible things that can happen in this world. No matter how much faith or love you have or how much you want your baby, we are all equally susceptible to losing them and with them a part of ourselves. One day when I become pregnant again, I will not be finding out the sex or picking a name or really doing much with a nursery. I will love the living child within me and let the rest fall into place. I will not worry about superficial aspects, just focus on the amazing miracle I have. I will enjoy everyday I have with my baby regardless of what tomorrow may bring for in that moment I have my child.
I love you Dash, this month is hard as a year ago I found out I was pregnant with you. This month you would be 4 months old, God had different plans though and I am learning to live my life as it is not what I hoped it would be. Hugs and Kisses <3