Oh little man, I miss you so much it hurts. The events of our last days together haunt me. Each day I wake up with a brief moment of calm and then reality stabs me in the heart. Every day is the same, I replay the joy of finding out you were a boy to the despair of the silent ultrasound room and the moment I first held you. Its like a silent horror film playing over and over again in my head, I cant shake it off. I often catch myself staring off into nothingness, watching that film play on repeat, friends have had to litterally snap me out of it, bring me back to reality. I miss entire conversations and important details, all while Im in a fantasy land where you are still with me, I haven't yet had to watch you wheeled from my room for the last time. I have a knot in my throat just typing this out, how am I supposed to function in everyday life?
Sigh, mommy hurts tonight, just like every night. Visit me in my dreams ok? We can dance and play until the sun comes up.