Oh little man, I miss you so much it hurts. The events of our last days together haunt me. Each day I wake up with a brief moment of calm and then reality stabs me in the heart. Every day is the same, I replay the joy of finding out you were a boy to the despair of the silent ultrasound room and the moment I first held you. Its like a silent horror film playing over and over again in my head, I cant shake it off. I often catch myself staring off into nothingness, watching that film play on repeat, friends have had to litterally snap me out of it, bring me back to reality. I miss entire conversations and important details, all while Im in a fantasy land where you are still with me, I haven't yet had to watch you wheeled from my room for the last time. I have a knot in my throat just typing this out, how am I supposed to function in everyday life?
Sigh, mommy hurts tonight, just like every night. Visit me in my dreams ok? We can dance and play until the sun comes up.
i, too, have my moments where i replay in my head the events of the day kenny died, or his birth, or.... so many things. in the first few weeks after he died, i would wake up in the morning thinking everything was ok, and in an instant it would hit me that he was gone - like a punch to the gut every time. i no longer wake up that way; i guess the knowledge of his death has somehow become a part of me. no fooling myself into believing, if only for a moment, that everything's ok.
ReplyDeleteHi Angela,
ReplyDeleteI read Dash's story on FOLFOH and I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy. I too am a baby loss mom. My son, Cole, was born way too early at 24 wks/2 days. He struggled for his life for 9 days in the NICU, but returned to Heaven on Father's Day this year. Like you, not a day goes by that I don't miss my sweet boy.
Our stories have a few similarities. Like Dash, Cole taught me not to be afraid of what tomorrow brings. We also had the same due date, September 29th. Do you and your family have anything special planned for that day? I think my husband and I are going to plant a tree in our backyard that day in Cole's honor. I also live in Arizona- near Happy Valley and Jomax. I have been attending an infant loss support group on the first Thursday of every month between 6-8pm at Scottsdale Shea. The counselor that holds the meetings, Dr. Abby Garcia, has been incredible. She is a baby loss mom herself. The hospital is doing many things over the next few months to help greiving families like ours. They are holding a walk to remember our babies on October 9th and a candelight service in December. If you are interested in attending any of these things, let me know and I can get you more information.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here. My email is brandyleethorp@hotmail.com. I will be thinking of you and your family in the days ahead- especially on September 29th.
Wishing you peace
I just read your story on Faces of Loss. It is so very similar to mine that I had to write. It has been 15 months since my son was born still. I too had a doppler and checked my son's heartbeat every day. At 17 weeks, I could not find it. The next day I went to the Ob, they could not find it either. An ultrasound machine wheeled in, no heartbeat on the screen. A D&E was suggested, but I wanted to deliver and hold him. A few days later, laobr was induced, and hours after that I held my beautiful and perfect 6.5" long son in my hands. I took nearly 150 photos of every inch of him. My nurse also tried several times to take footprints, but they were also blurry like Dash's. Feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to talk. My e-mail address is kittyshay@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteI found your story (and Dash's) on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and wanted to tell you how special it was to be able to hear about your angel. I have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. The pain of losing our children is unspeakable. I am now following your blog (it's beautiful and you are so open and honest, I love that!) Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI hate that feeling of having a moment of calm and then having reality hit and that awful, awful feeling. I also relive the last few days I had with Jacob. It is like reliving a nightmare again and again.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you have been feeling a little better since you posted this. I also miss entire conversations. Or I follow a conversation I'm having someone for a minute or so, then I don't know what they are talking about as I am just thinking about Jacob. When they stop to ask me what I think, it can be awkward.
I wish I had an answer in how we are supposed to function in everyday life. I just have no idea. I just put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions. It will get better one day, I'm told.
I hope that Dash has sent you a wonderful dream.
Thank you for sharing about you beautiful son. What a precious little boy he is. I can't even express how sorry I am that you couldn't keep him here with you. I learned of your precious son on the faces of loss faces of hope site shortly after we lost our baby. You truly touched my heart. You are in my prayers. I also want to let you know that I absolutely love Dash's name. It is so original and special. Perfect for such a special little boy. I saw all of your photos of Dash's name and wanted to add to it. I made you a photo of Dash's name, but don't know how to give it to you. I would like to email it to you and would also like to post it on my blog for you. My blog is http://micahsgift.blogspot.com/ and my email address is blessednotcrazy@aol.com . Thank you again for sharing your precious son with us. He has touched my heart.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mary