Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What to say

Mommy doesn't really know what to say. It seems like I always blog the same thing, "I'm sad and I miss you." But that is how I feel every day and I dont see an end. It physically hurts to get through the day. Sometimes there are moments where I smile or laugh or feel at ease but then the memory of losing you comes into my mind and I just lose it inside. A friend of mine has a sister who lost her baby twins yesterday at 22 weeks. The feelings of helplessness, sadness and anger came flooding back to me. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE?!? If I had to lose you then I wish that no one would have to endure the same pain, maybe then I could feel like losing you was positive in some way.
Mommy has started fostering dogs from the pound who are on their last hope. I have this motherly energy, this need to nurture a baby and jsut because I lost you, it doesnt mean that it has gone away and I needed to find an outlet for it. Your sister Addison is what gets me through most days, but I still feel like there is a huge part of my life missing. By helping these dogs I feel like I am doing something with my sadness and hopelessness and the puppies are so thankful for the life that I am allowing them to have.
I want you back my baby. My belly is empty, my heart aches terribly and I think about you pretty much every minute of every day. I hope you will visit me in my dreams again soon, I miss your love and your hugs, the dream of what you could have been.

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