Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Hi Baby,
How is heaven tonight? It's hot and fast paced and horrible here. The bad news just never stops around here and I'm starting to get really sick and tired of "being strong" and believing "things happen for a reason." I firmly believed that your life and death had a purpose, something I may not understand for a long time, if ever. I believed that God guides us all through trials and from them we become more loving and gracious people. I'm really starting to doubt this theory and God himself, to follow him blindly is becoming increasingly difficult.

There are mounting problems here at home; money, anger, job security and future just to name a few. My world as I knew it 2 months and 2 weeks ago is completely gone or should I say it never really changed and because of that daddy and I are so broken. We had all of these wonderful plans, hopes for your September arrival and the joy you would bring to our lives. That dream crashed and burned and we are now in a very dark and turbulent life. Over these months I have reasoned with God, alot. I pray that your death and the horrible experience we endured during our hospital stay can be the end of our suffering for awhile, the end of our "bad luck." The bad news just keeps compiling though. We are good people, loving and giving, why us? Why all of these things at once? Maybe you could talk to God for mommy and daddy, let him know that we've learned many lessons but need a break now. I so badly want to focus on coming to terms and healing from your loss but its hard to do when my whole world is crumbling around me.

I love you my baby. I dont think that "I think of you every second of every day" is an understatement. I miss you terribly.



  1. Your post is so touching. My heart is aching for you. You have so much to deal with right now. I hope that Dash can do some work on your behalf up there in Heaven. Either way, he is watching over you. I bet he and Jacob are keeping each other company while they wait for us.

  2. Liam was supposed to arrive in september as well..:( This is such a hard time for me as well...I hope we can just get a break..thinking of you and praying for you

  3. these are the same thoughts i am having lately. i am so with you on questioning god, and wondering who deserves what. thinking of you and dash...