Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What I Hate The Most

I wrote an email to your daddy 2 weeks after we lost you expressing all the things that tear me apart with regards to losing you. I was looking back at it just now and some things have gotten less hard while others are just as hard if not worse...

I hate that I still catch myself rubbing my belly sometimes.

I hate that everyone I seem to know is pregnant and due around Dash's due date.

I hate that I am getting baby shower invitations in the mail for friends babies when I should be sending out invites for MY baby.

I hate that I still hope this is all just a bad dream.

I hate that I catch myself still thinking he "kicked" then I realize he's gone.

I hate that people move on but I feel I never will.

I hate the awkward smiles and hugs from people who dont know what to say or do.

I hate knowing that everyone feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me.

I hate that I feel ok one day and am completely debilitated the next.

I hate that I'm bleeding.

I hate that it's only been 2 weeks and I feel like I'm already starting to forget his face.

I hate that I couldn't protect him.

I hate that my husband lost his son, I feel responsible.

I hate that we finally told everyone of our pregnancy and not more than 3 weeks later he died.

I hate that the Dr who delivered him seemed to have no feelings.

I hate that no one can make it all better.

I hate that my daughter sees me cry.

I hate that it's all about how I am doing when it's our whole family grieving.

I hate that I want to be pregnant again and at the same time never want to be pregnant again.

I hate that my heart will never feel whole again.

I hate that in future pregnancy I wont rest easy until I have a healthy baby in my arms.

I hate when people say "I know how you feel!"

I hate that I dont have my baby to hold and love and nurse and grow with.

Now, almost 5 weeks after your birth, I have a few more things to add to the list...

I hate hearing my pregnant friends complain about how tired, sick, whatever they are. I would take that any day over life without you.

I hate that we will never know what happened to you.

I hate that me going out and smiling=other people thinking everything is fine now. Things are FAR from fine.

I hate that part of the reason we bought our minivan was to have enough room for you. Your seat still sits empty.

I hate that every week that goes by I am one day further from the last time I saw you and one day closer to your due date.

I hate that you aren't here with me.

I love you Dash, so much.

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