Mommy is very blessed with wonderful people in her life. They all tell me how strong I am and how I have inspired them but really I feel like they are the strong ones for being present in this time of grief for me and for their prayers of hope and healing.
Sister Addison had a birthday party of a friend on Saturday. We went as a family, the first big event we've been to since we lost you. I cannot even put into words how painful it was to see all of my pregnant friends (and by all I mean 75% of the women there)it hurt to know that their happiness was something I used to have too. After greeting everyone, your daddy finally said to me "Why are you telling everyone you're good? It's ok to tell them the truth." Why dont I tell them the truth? Because then I will be that fragile and unsteady mother, the one who may loose it at any momemnt. This was a bithday party, a happy event, it's not my place to wallow in self pity. I may be grieving but I am not selfish, although sometimes I want to be. Truthfully, I do tell close friends when I am not doing ok or when the pain of losing you is really hurting but for "casual friends" I don't feel comfortable admitting how much it kills me that you died, how much I cry every day and how miserable I am. Not only would I be putting myself on a limb to someone who may not know how to react or may say something to really hurt me, I just dont feel like it would do much good. My coined answer to the question "How are you doing" is now "I'm ok."
My baby boy Jacob was still born on June 1, 2010. I have been talking to another mother at my church who lost her baby at 7 months pregnant. I told her I didn't know what to say when people ask how I am because to say anything other than devastated seemed wrong, but of course I would say fine when someone asked.
ReplyDeleteShe once knew a mother whose daughter died of cancer. Whenever she asked how she was, the mother said she was fine. After awhile, my friend asked how she could say that she was fine. The mother told her to look up fine in the dictionary. She did and realized that one of the definitions is 'consisting of minute particles' and then understood why she said that. I have also started staying that I am OK because saying that I am fine makes it seem like I have gotten over it Jacob's loss, which I never will.
at first i found myself saying, "good, thanks," just automatically when asked how i am, so i had to make a conscious effort to change that to OK. sometimes i don't say that, i just say, "keeping busy," which is true, and spares that person my tirade about just how shitty i might be doing at that time.
ReplyDelete