Mommy is very blessed with wonderful people in her life. They all tell me how strong I am and how I have inspired them but really I feel like they are the strong ones for being present in this time of grief for me and for their prayers of hope and healing.
Sister Addison had a birthday party of a friend on Saturday. We went as a family, the first big event we've been to since we lost you. I cannot even put into words how painful it was to see all of my pregnant friends (and by all I mean 75% of the women there)it hurt to know that their happiness was something I used to have too. After greeting everyone, your daddy finally said to me "Why are you telling everyone you're good? It's ok to tell them the truth." Why dont I tell them the truth? Because then I will be that fragile and unsteady mother, the one who may loose it at any momemnt. This was a bithday party, a happy event, it's not my place to wallow in self pity. I may be grieving but I am not selfish, although sometimes I want to be. Truthfully, I do tell close friends when I am not doing ok or when the pain of losing you is really hurting but for "casual friends" I don't feel comfortable admitting how much it kills me that you died, how much I cry every day and how miserable I am. Not only would I be putting myself on a limb to someone who may not know how to react or may say something to really hurt me, I just dont feel like it would do much good. My coined answer to the question "How are you doing" is now "I'm ok."