I went to a movie with a friend today, the first one I've seen in the theater in a long time. A preview for an upcoming movie was shown about two brothers, one older and one just a child. The younger brother dies in an auto accident and the older brother lives...As he moves on with his life he still keeps the memory of his little brother alive. Then it suddenly flashes to a scene with the little brother yelling "You are starting to forget me!" I felt like a dagger had been pierced through my heart.
One of my biggest fears other than losing you, is that I will start to forget the time we had together or you will need me in some way but I will have moved on. I almost feel like you are my lost child, as if you were kidnapped from me and I still hold out hope for your return. I look around every corner hoping that it is the end of this horrible nightmare, that I will see you running to me for hugs and kisses with a smile on your face. I don't think that parents of missing children ever give up hope, ever "move on" with their lives as they would have before losing their child. Parents have to believe that there is hope and continue to fight. I can't move on without fear that you may cry and I will not be there to hold you or you will hurt and I wont be able to reach you.
My Dr tells me that I have to work to overcome my grief, to accept that this horrible thing has happened and then continue on with my life. How can I do such a thing when you were physically a part of me and now are gone? Without you I feel like I'm gasping for air, trying with all my strength to hold on to the edge of a cliff but knowing that one day I will eventually tire and then what? Do I let go and give up or do I muster up the last bits of strength I have to save myself?
I dont feel like it is fair that others are encouraging me to move forward with my life. A month ago I had you and planned for your arrival, now I have your ashes and memories that are starting to fade. It is hard to move on when I feel like you were unjustly torn away from me and that my life will never again feel whole. WHY WHY WHY!