Thursday, June 17, 2010
I feel like day to day I cant count on any emotion, I go from feeling numb to complete devastation and then onto a calm sense of peace as the days pass by and I wonder if there will ever be a time where I can "accept" that I lost you and begin to live again. I feel like the days are slipping out of my fingers and I feel guilty and angry that I am starting to "forget." I was writing a story the other day and trying to recall your birth weight and height and I drew a complete blank. I just dissolved to tears, what horrible mother forgets that 8 weeks after her baby dies? I dug to the bottom of your memory box to find your name card and came upon your things. Blankets and a teddy bear that actually touched you, have traces of you still. It hurts. Every day that I live is another day further from the last time I held you and sang you lullabies, gave you kisses on your toes and marveled at how perfect you were. Words are failing me tonight, I cant seem to put my thoughts into comprehensible sentences but I know that I'm feeling guilty and lonely and wanting to hold you.