Monday, June 28, 2010


Mommy feels ripped off today, like how we pay for the newspaper but our delivery is often overlooked or like when my health insurance refuses to pay for things. It just makes me so mad, thinking about the minimum respect and courtesy, at the very least, I should be afforded as a human being.

All around me, friends are getting their "happy endings" they have always dreamed of. I feel like I can't even go onto the internet or get together with friends without learning of something that makes me feel totally gypped. A friend of mine who was about 8 weeks behind me in her pregnancy just found out yesterday that she is having the girl she has always wanted. She already has a son and now her family is complete. Many other of my close friends are living the same perfect story. Mommy and Daddys dreams came true too when we learned you were the boy we had hoped for but a week later all those dreams we had dreamed came crashing down. When the ultrasound technician told us "there is no heartbeat anymore" we immediately felt like we had been unjustly robbed of the happiness and family that was rightfully ours. I can't help but feel a twinge of that anger again when I hear of others "happy endings."

I do not wish the loss of a child on anyone, I just wish baby's being born could be put on hold for awhile so I can grieve in peace. The cherry on top of this latest news was that one of her top 3 names for her daughter is what I had wanted to name you if you were a girl and what I had hoped to name a daughter in the future. It's not like I ever told her of the name or like she stole it from me but I do feel robbed. Not only have my hopes and dreams literally been "dashed" but now I dont even have the name I love for a possible future daughter. I know I am overreacting and I know it sounds silly but the littlest most insignificant things hurt so deeply nowadays. I wish I wasn't so fragile but I am.


  1. you are not overreacting. i feel the same way. i feel an incredible sense of bitterness every time i see a pregnant woman or someone with a young baby. right after i returned to work i saw a pregnant co-worker with her very obvious baby belly, and this wave of resentment came over me. i was thinking, "she didn't even mean to get pregnant this time. she has two healthy kids at home. why does she deserve to still be happily accidentally pregnant when i had to fight so hard to get pregnant with my first child, only to lose him with no warning?"

    and then, of course, i felt like a horrible person. i would never wish this on anyone, and she certainly doesn't deserve it any more than i did. and she is a friend. it's just all SO unfair, and so random, and there's just no sense to be made of it.

  2. I know how you is hard to rejoice with those who are experiencing so much happiness while we are grieving for our beautiful son's I am learning to put a face on and those with tiny babies and pregnant women, I feel a wall between us. I hope she does not pick your girl name..