Torn Heart

Sitting down to blog I know what I want to say but I'm not sure who I want to say it to; You? Baby Squishy? Me?

The past 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. The fear of losing this new precious life inside me, the saddness that I feel when I think of how far away I feel from you Dashy, the anger I feel all over again that you were
taken from me, and of course the excitement of thinking what joy will come if/when I hold another wriggling, screaming, breathing, ALIVE baby in my arms.
If/when...every thought is plagued with the possibility that such a dream won't come true. That this baby won't make it either, this baby's heart will stop and nothing but silent tears will follow.
I heard a beautiful song on my Christian Radio channel this morning titled "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. He is actually the lead singer of Sanctus Real and he and his wife are parents of a stillborn daughter. Maybe that's why it struck something so deep within me.
The opening verse so beautifully puts into song the struggles I feel:
"Afraid to love, something that could break. Could I move on, if you were torn away."

I love the life growing inside me, I also know how quickly it can be taken away... So I have decided to live day by day, enjoy my beautiful baby while his/ her life is inside me. Each day baby and I have together, I praise God. For this wonderful gift I have been blessed with, I am so thankful!

Friday was my NT scan. I was of course nervous but excited to see how much baby has grown since my 9 week ultrasound. I stared at the screen and fell in love all over again. As we watched babies heart beating, I realized the song on the overhead speaker was Journey: "Don't Stop Believing." And believe me baby Squishy I will never stop believing that I will hold you in my arms, alive and perfect. And I will never stop believing that I will be with you in Heaven someday Dashy <3
Love you,
Mommy

12 weeks 2 days

A new addition

*As most of my followers are fellow baby loss moms, I just want to put a disclaimer that in this post pregnancy is mentioned*
Hi Baby,
Mommy has been thinking about you so much lately, life is so busy right now but reminders of you are still around every turn. Mommy has some exciting news for you my love...You are going to be a big brother! Oh how I wish I could dress you up in a cute little onesie that said "Big Brother" or hold you and Addison and celebrate together. At least I can come here though and share with you something that is so closely connected to you.
Since finding out, I have been terrified nonstop. What if something happens again, what would I do? Would I completely lose my mind? To grieve like that again, I just cannot imagine. I hate feeling powerless when it comes to my children but that is just how I feel. I am doing everything in my power to grow a healthy baby, just like I did with you and Addison but sometimes God has other plans. Please God let your plan for our family be for this baby to arrive safely, screaming and kicking the whole way out.
I love you Dashy, more and more each day.
Love,
Mommy

Love You

Oh my love, my son. I miss you dearly tonight. I feel you all around me <3
Love,
Mommy

Oh how I feel the same

No Choice
by Wendy Plumley

My eyes are swollen
beyond capacity
from unshed tears.
My heart is numb
and I am broken
from one
too many blows.


I refuse the pain,
and therefore
dare not cry,
lest I dissipate
in the salty torrent
of anguish,
without hope of
ever resurfacing.


Gasping for air,
I must fight
the towering
waves of grief
that threaten
to engulf me.
For once so lost
it is impossible
to return.


No cut
or wound
could hurt
more deeply
than this
devastating
loss.


So understand
I do not cry,
because she needs me.
My body will cling
to a precarious sanity
and remain,
though my soul
has long fled
this treacherous world
because I need him.


A mother, torn in two.


In the author's words:
The above poem was written for a mother who struggles to remain in this world for her young daughter, whilst all the time dreadfully missing her son.

Wish you were there

I missed you this weekend sweetie. It was Popi's wedding and I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like with you there. I love you.

Jesus Has a Rocking Chair

"He takes the place of Mom and Dad, He's the best parent a child could have...Don't worry about the children, Jesus has a rocking chair..."

Prayer for today:
"Lord, am I supposed to hurt this much? My arms ache to hold and rock my child. I miss my precious baby. Will my lifes song always be so sad? Meet me where I am today and encourage me with Your truth. You are my song of hope. It's comforting to imagine that You could be holding my child in Your arms. Right now, I need You to hold me. Wrap Your arms of peace around me and rock away my fears. Put a new song in my mouth. Amen."

Excerpt from "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg

14 months today baby and it doesn't get easier missing you <3

Heaven

Thinking about you today, you and baby Logan. Logans mommy asked me yesterday what I thought you two were up to in Heaven and I find that I often wonder the same. Whenever I think of you I see a smiling face and can tell that you are laughing. I know you are safe, happy and pain free. Mommy is comforted to know this but it doesnt make me miss you any less. I would have cared for you so deeply and with such love, I cant understand why I wasn't given that chance. Someday when my work is done here, we will smile and laugh together in Heaven, I know this much is true.

Poem

Wrote this for you tonight baby, it came so easily. I guess that is what grief does to us. I miss you every day in everything I do. I know that someday I will hold you in my arms again.

Missing you isn't easy
Loving you breaks my heart
Without you here beside me my life falls apart

Dreams of holding you
I hear your giggles in my sleep
Your smiling face with love so deep

Where can Mommy go
To hide from the pain of losing you
Oh dear baby do you miss Mommy too

My heart aches for you
To feel you breathing against my chest
Why God have I been chosen for this test

Missing you isn't easy
Loving you breaks my heart
Without you here beside me my life falls apart

Orange Car

Your sister Addison and I were in the backyard yesterday. Your beautiful butterfly garden just brightens it up. She kept telling me "MY garden. ADDISON'S garden." I reminded her that no it is Dashys garden. Finally we agreed that it could be for the both of you (after all she does help take care of it :D )She said "Ok mommy, we share." I asked her, as I do from time to time, "Where is Dashy?" She told me "He's coming mommy, in orange car." I'm keeping my eyes open for that car baby, wave to mommy when you go by <3...Love you.
xoxo,
Mommy

New Friend

Hi Dashy,
A new friend came to meet you in heaven this week. His mommy misses him dearly. Please watch over him, show him the ropes and help to dry his mommys tears. I love you so much and your death hits me like a ton of bricks today when I hear of such a dear friend losing her son too. We love you boys <3
Mommy

Birthday

Happy 1st Birthday Dashy! We love you sooooooo much!

Worst Day Of My Life

A year ago today we heard the silence of the ultrasound room and saw our son peacefully gone to Heaven. It was the worst day of my life and this last year has been a daily struggle. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who have helped us move forward when we couldn't do it ourselves anymore ♥ Today I celebrate all of you!

Our Visit With Patches

Patches The Bear arrived on Monday and has been such a joy, doing just what his creator hoped; filling in the missing pieces of our hearts. If you dont know about Patches please visit: http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

Addison immediately claimed him as her own and I didn't object, it was so cute to see her so excited.

I was expecting him to be a full size teddy bear and was surprised when I opened up his package and found a pocket sized bundle of love! He is perfect though, just the size of Dash's urn which is where he sits tonight. The first thing I noticed other than his size though was that he looked strangely familiar, like I had held him before. Then I realized he is "patched up" just like an "angel bunny" I received from an organization after Dash's death. The bunny has had a place on Dashy's shelf since it arrived and it turns out Patches and Angel Bunny are actually made by the same company...crazy!

Patches arrival time was perfect, this month is hard and I feel Dash everywhere. It hurts my heart and it is definitely in need of some patching. Yesterday Addison and I danced around the house with more joy than I know I have had in a long time and Patches was right in the middle of it, Dash's spirit making me beam :)


Thank you Patches for all that you have done for me and all that you will continue to do for other broken hearted mommy and daddys.

Approaching Curve

16 days until I heard the silence of the ultrasound room. 17 days until I checked into L&D for the most emotionally wrenching experience of my life. 18 days until we said hello and goodbye, your first birthday. Oh I miss you my love. I feel like I held you yesterday, snuggled you close, just you and me in that moment were all that mattered. I love you I love you I love you.

1st Birthday

Dash's birthday is just about a month away and I am at a loss of how exactly to memoralize it. For my due date I did a balloon release and it was very emotional and therapeutic, it really helped relieve all the built up anxiety I had approaching that day. His birthday though, the day we said hello and goodbye, seems like a different sort of event. It wasn't a hypothetical day in the future but the here and now, a day that will forever be his. I just want to reach out and ask other angel baby mommys what they did for their childs first birthday...
One thing I know I want to do is get a candle that will be lit every year on his birthday. Other than that I am at a complete loss.

Memories To Say Hello

I saw this poem on a fellow baby loss mamas blog tonight and it struck a chord with me, I just cried at it's truthfulness and honesty...


A Song for Daniel, Stillborn

by Jean Felice Eilbert (his mother)

When I held you in my arms that day
Born so still, born anyway
How was I to know to say goodbye?
No one knew just what to do
Except tell me I'd get over you
As if forgetting makes it all untrue -- a lie

But I remember to remember
I can't forget just to forget
Your memories are a part of me
Connecting me to what comes next.

And even after all this while
I think of you, sometimes I smile
Memories of my unknown child, fade slow.
I've held you in my heart each day
Life so short, life anyway
Memories are meant to say hello.
*****************************************
I've been thinking of you lots lately baby, as if thats something new huh? I feel like I often wonder my days away with all the "what ifs." Wondering what you would look like looking into my eyes, what the sound of your belly laugh would be, if you would like me to hold you close and rock you to sleep, would you be sitting up? Crawling? Eating solids? The unknowns just kill me inside, all those things you never got to do, the things I never got to do with you.
Miss you, love you...
Mommy

Days and Hours

Hi baby...
I was thinking today how I used to know exactly how many days and hours it had been since your birth. Every Tuesday morning I relived the appointment that changed my life and from there the horrible days of labor that followed. As time has gone on, knowing which hour I'm in without you isnt all consuming, I smile at least once a day and sometimes I even laugh and live freely. Truth is though that at the end of every day, here I lay, a mommy without her baby. And for the rest of my life it will be so. A mother without her child, a broken heart that will never again be right. I love you my Dash, my baby boy never far from my thoughts and always in my heart.
Love,
Your Mommy

Nothing More Than...

I Miss You

No Plans

I feel like a horrible person for some of the thoughts I have nowadays. Most recently though I torture myself by looking at Facebook posts and blogs of my mommy friends that are expecting their second baby. They post belly pics, name ideas, ultrasounds and finished nurserys. All I can think is "well I hope your baby doesn't die before it's born like mine did." I can't help but feel guilty for having these feelings but the loss of my living, breathing, moving baby has opened my eyes to all of the terrible things that can happen in this world. No matter how much faith or love you have or how much you want your baby, we are all equally susceptible to losing them and with them a part of ourselves. One day when I become pregnant again, I will not be finding out the sex or picking a name or really doing much with a nursery. I will love the living child within me and let the rest fall into place. I will not worry about superficial aspects, just focus on the amazing miracle I have. I will enjoy everyday I have with my baby regardless of what tomorrow may bring for in that moment I have my child.

I love you Dash, this month is hard as a year ago I found out I was pregnant with you. This month you would be 4 months old, God had different plans though and I am learning to live my life as it is not what I hoped it would be. Hugs and Kisses <3