Sunday, October 16, 2011

Torn Heart

Sitting down to blog I know what I want to say but I'm not sure who I want to say it to; You? Baby Squishy? Me?

The past 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. The fear of losing this new precious life inside me, the saddness that I feel when I think of how far away I feel from you Dashy, the anger I feel all over again that you were
taken from me, and of course the excitement of thinking what joy will come if/when I hold another wriggling, screaming, breathing, ALIVE baby in my arms.
If/when...every thought is plagued with the possibility that such a dream won't come true. That this baby won't make it either, this baby's heart will stop and nothing but silent tears will follow.
I heard a beautiful song on my Christian Radio channel this morning titled "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. He is actually the lead singer of Sanctus Real and he and his wife are parents of a stillborn daughter. Maybe that's why it struck something so deep within me.
The opening verse so beautifully puts into song the struggles I feel:
"Afraid to love, something that could break. Could I move on, if you were torn away."

I love the life growing inside me, I also know how quickly it can be taken away... So I have decided to live day by day, enjoy my beautiful baby while his/ her life is inside me. Each day baby and I have together, I praise God. For this wonderful gift I have been blessed with, I am so thankful!

Friday was my NT scan. I was of course nervous but excited to see how much baby has grown since my 9 week ultrasound. I stared at the screen and fell in love all over again. As we watched babies heart beating, I realized the song on the overhead speaker was Journey: "Don't Stop Believing." And believe me baby Squishy I will never stop believing that I will hold you in my arms, alive and perfect. And I will never stop believing that I will be with you in Heaven someday Dashy <3
Love you,
Mommy

12 weeks 2 days







1 comment:

  1. I found your blog on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am very sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby, Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. Although I wish nobody else had to know this pain, it's good to know I'm not alone and there are people who "get it." I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well: www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

    Blessings, Hannah Rose

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