I went to a movie with a friend today, the first one I've seen in the theater in a long time. A preview for an upcoming movie was shown about two brothers, one older and one just a child. The younger brother dies in an auto accident and the older brother lives...As he moves on with his life he still keeps the memory of his little brother alive. Then it suddenly flashes to a scene with the little brother yelling "You are starting to forget me!" I felt like a dagger had been pierced through my heart.
One of my biggest fears other than losing you, is that I will start to forget the time we had together or you will need me in some way but I will have moved on. I almost feel like you are my lost child, as if you were kidnapped from me and I still hold out hope for your return. I look around every corner hoping that it is the end of this horrible nightmare, that I will see you running to me for hugs and kisses with a smile on your face. I don't think that parents of missing children ever give up hope, ever "move on" with their lives as they would have before losing their child. Parents have to believe that there is hope and continue to fight. I can't move on without fear that you may cry and I will not be there to hold you or you will hurt and I wont be able to reach you.
My Dr tells me that I have to work to overcome my grief, to accept that this horrible thing has happened and then continue on with my life. How can I do such a thing when you were physically a part of me and now are gone? Without you I feel like I'm gasping for air, trying with all my strength to hold on to the edge of a cliff but knowing that one day I will eventually tire and then what? Do I let go and give up or do I muster up the last bits of strength I have to save myself?
I dont feel like it is fair that others are encouraging me to move forward with my life. A month ago I had you and planned for your arrival, now I have your ashes and memories that are starting to fade. It is hard to move on when I feel like you were unjustly torn away from me and that my life will never again feel whole. WHY WHY WHY!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Reminders
I'm thinking about you tonight Dash, as I always do around this time. I wish I was having late night talks with you, feeling your kicks, your hiccups and your movements in my belly. I feel very alone, as if my pain is somehow completely mine to endure and no one will ever be able to take it away. I try to be happy, I so badly want to feel sincere joy again but without you even the thought of it is distant. Daily I find little reminders of you throughout the house that catch me by surprise. Today it was the drying flowers from all of the beautiful bouquets we were sent after we lost you. I had tucked them away on a shelf and suddenly came face to face with the dried petals. I feel like we lost you so long ago as if in a different lifetime. Where are you now my baby? Mommy wants to hold you close but until that day I hold you in my heart.
"Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do"
"Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do"
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Glory Baby
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
What to say
Mommy doesn't really know what to say. It seems like I always blog the same thing, "I'm sad and I miss you." But that is how I feel every day and I dont see an end. It physically hurts to get through the day. Sometimes there are moments where I smile or laugh or feel at ease but then the memory of losing you comes into my mind and I just lose it inside. A friend of mine has a sister who lost her baby twins yesterday at 22 weeks. The feelings of helplessness, sadness and anger came flooding back to me. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE?!? If I had to lose you then I wish that no one would have to endure the same pain, maybe then I could feel like losing you was positive in some way.
Mommy has started fostering dogs from the pound who are on their last hope. I have this motherly energy, this need to nurture a baby and jsut because I lost you, it doesnt mean that it has gone away and I needed to find an outlet for it. Your sister Addison is what gets me through most days, but I still feel like there is a huge part of my life missing. By helping these dogs I feel like I am doing something with my sadness and hopelessness and the puppies are so thankful for the life that I am allowing them to have.
I want you back my baby. My belly is empty, my heart aches terribly and I think about you pretty much every minute of every day. I hope you will visit me in my dreams again soon, I miss your love and your hugs, the dream of what you could have been.
Mommy has started fostering dogs from the pound who are on their last hope. I have this motherly energy, this need to nurture a baby and jsut because I lost you, it doesnt mean that it has gone away and I needed to find an outlet for it. Your sister Addison is what gets me through most days, but I still feel like there is a huge part of my life missing. By helping these dogs I feel like I am doing something with my sadness and hopelessness and the puppies are so thankful for the life that I am allowing them to have.
I want you back my baby. My belly is empty, my heart aches terribly and I think about you pretty much every minute of every day. I hope you will visit me in my dreams again soon, I miss your love and your hugs, the dream of what you could have been.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
It hurts
I hate this...living without you. I should be sitting here feeling your strong kicks in my belly and daydreaming about the day you are born and the life that lies ahead of you. Instead I sit here looking at online support groups and miscarriage blogs and wondering if it was something I did. I want you here with me so badly, I want to snuggle you and keep you warm. I'm in such a fog I dont think will ever end. It hurts to be awake and to think, its hard to love now knowing how quickly it can be taken away. I love you Dash, in a way I never knew I could love someone I only knew for such a short time. My heart, soul and body miss you with every fiber of my being. Mommy is very sad tonight without you...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
3 weeks
3 weeks ago today I lost you. I found out only days before that your heart had stopped beating. I remember seeing you on the ultrasound snuggled up in my belly, fast asleep. Mommy had a feeling but never thought I would actually hear the words "I'm sorry. You're baby has died." I had been walking around with you inside me but you were already in heaven watching over me. I was so angry and confused when I heard the horrible words, I wanted you out of me right then but at the same time wanted to keep you inside my belly forever, so I could protect you and keep you warm.
When I delivered you, my instinct was to reach for you and hold you close. You were taken straight away and I cried for you, I didn't care what anyone said, I wanted to have you with me, our hours were numbered and I didn't want to waste a second. When I held you for the first time you were all wrapped up in your hospital blanket but I can't forget thinking how cold you were. I wrapped you up so tight and rocked and rocked and rocked you and cried, hoping somehow my pain would keep you warm. I remember thinking that the nurses probably looked at me like I had lost my mind. I was so worried about them keeping my dead baby warm and comfortable but now I don't care what they thought, I had to protect you and still feel as if I failed you.
When I said my final goodbye to you, I kissed your little nose, your long fingers and your tiny cold feet. I must have told you a million times how much I loved you and always would, somehow I felt like the words traveled to you, that if I said it enough you would finally know just how much you were loved and missed, maybe the nightmare would rewind and we would have you with us again.
When your little body left us that night, I felt so empty inside. I stared for hours at nothing. I looked out the window as the nighttime world went by and moved on. Knowing that I would have to move on without you, tore me apart. One of the things that haunts me most is thinking of the time you spent all alone in the morgue. Your tiny body so cold, mommy wasn't there to hold you. I know your soul was with God but your body was all I ever had, all I could ever protect and again I failed. You sat alone over a week and I cried and cried for you. When we finally picked up your cremains, I held you close the whole way home. I didn't have the strength to take your tiny little urn out of its box until a few days ago. Now you sit in the windowsill in the kitchen, in the best spot that gets the warmest and brightest morning and evening light. I feel like you are safe now, you are warm now and you are happy. It doesn't make me miss you any less but sometimes now I actually find myself smiling. I know you would be proud.
When I delivered you, my instinct was to reach for you and hold you close. You were taken straight away and I cried for you, I didn't care what anyone said, I wanted to have you with me, our hours were numbered and I didn't want to waste a second. When I held you for the first time you were all wrapped up in your hospital blanket but I can't forget thinking how cold you were. I wrapped you up so tight and rocked and rocked and rocked you and cried, hoping somehow my pain would keep you warm. I remember thinking that the nurses probably looked at me like I had lost my mind. I was so worried about them keeping my dead baby warm and comfortable but now I don't care what they thought, I had to protect you and still feel as if I failed you.
When I said my final goodbye to you, I kissed your little nose, your long fingers and your tiny cold feet. I must have told you a million times how much I loved you and always would, somehow I felt like the words traveled to you, that if I said it enough you would finally know just how much you were loved and missed, maybe the nightmare would rewind and we would have you with us again.
When your little body left us that night, I felt so empty inside. I stared for hours at nothing. I looked out the window as the nighttime world went by and moved on. Knowing that I would have to move on without you, tore me apart. One of the things that haunts me most is thinking of the time you spent all alone in the morgue. Your tiny body so cold, mommy wasn't there to hold you. I know your soul was with God but your body was all I ever had, all I could ever protect and again I failed. You sat alone over a week and I cried and cried for you. When we finally picked up your cremains, I held you close the whole way home. I didn't have the strength to take your tiny little urn out of its box until a few days ago. Now you sit in the windowsill in the kitchen, in the best spot that gets the warmest and brightest morning and evening light. I feel like you are safe now, you are warm now and you are happy. It doesn't make me miss you any less but sometimes now I actually find myself smiling. I know you would be proud.
Welcome to my journey...
I am the mother of two, one angel daughter on earth and an angel son born into God's arms. My grief is still fresh and the tears never seem to stop. Sometimes it is easier on the heart to express guilt, anger, sadness and hurt through words on paper than spoken out loud. Through this blog I look to find peace for myself and my family. I now start my journey with hope of finding and repairing the missing pieces of my heavy heart...
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