Horror Film

Oh little man, I miss you so much it hurts. The events of our last days together haunt me. Each day I wake up with a brief moment of calm and then reality stabs me in the heart. Every day is the same, I replay the joy of finding out you were a boy to the despair of the silent ultrasound room and the moment I first held you. Its like a silent horror film playing over and over again in my head, I cant shake it off. I often catch myself staring off into nothingness, watching that film play on repeat, friends have had to litterally snap me out of it, bring me back to reality. I miss entire conversations and important details, all while Im in a fantasy land where you are still with me, I haven't yet had to watch you wheeled from my room for the last time. I have a knot in my throat just typing this out, how am I supposed to function in everyday life?
Sigh, mommy hurts tonight, just like every night. Visit me in my dreams ok? We can dance and play until the sun comes up.

Due Date

"That day" is fast approaching. The one I was looking forward to, your due date, your birthday. I have been keeping my mind busy but as September nears I start to panic. I should be 8 1/2 months pregnant and finishing up your nursery, having baby showers and talking about how excited and nervous I am for you. Instead I get to sit in misery wondering how on earth I will keep it together on your day, September 29, 2010. Big sister Addison's birthday is September 30, I will need to be happy for her but I do fear that for many years to come, her birthday will always be overshadowed by my sadness of losing you.
What is is with dates that get us? I miss you dearly every day but certain days are just harder, the numerical date is so significant. I stopped counting how many weeks pregnant I would be, it was just plain depressing. I do still mourn on the 22nd of every month, another month away from when I held you in my arms. With each passing day it gets harder and easier at the same time. Its such a hard emotion to explain but one thing I do know for sure is that I love you Dashy!

Ow

It was one of those times I was completely blindsighted by a mention of you. I was reading through my email this morning and came to one from Target requesting me to "update my baby registry." The way the email felt was pretty much summed up by these two sentences...

"Be sure to check back often to see the latest and greatest items for your little bundle of joy.
Thanks for making us a part of your growing family's life."

Ouch. I felt like I got kicked in the gut. I wanted to write a nasty email to Target and make them feel really bad about sending me such an email for my dead baby but I still do have a rational side that told me it wasn't their fault. I'm so angry that little things like this keep happening to me on "good days" and it is all down hill from there. I'm sure as my due date approaches there will be more of these little reminders and it makes me hurt.

Footprints

I so badly wish that I had your little footprints, how my heart would leap with joy. I have pictures, many of your feet and hands but looking at those, at your still body, it hurts every fiber of my being, brings back all the tremendous pain I felt that day. I know that nurse Judy tried so hard to get a hand or footprint for mommy, she knew how badly I wanted one. She brought you back to my bedside and showed me the smudges and imprints she was able to get. Knowing what they are mean a lot to me but if I wasn't told I would have no idea what those small black smudges are. I know why she couldn't get a clear print, I know that your hands and feet were so delicate, she didnt want to "hurt" you, didn't want to scare mommy if something went wrong. I wish I could stare in wonder at you again, how perfectly you were formed, how tiny you were, how much joy you brought me. I want to snuggle you my baby, close to mommy forever and ever.

Reality

Just wanted to update and let all my cyber mommys know that I'm doing ok, I have just been on a hiatus from reality for the past month. Addison and I went to Minnesota to stay with my Dad and visit family and friends. It was so nice to get away from the place that constantly reminds me of Dash, I felt like I could breath again. I will get back to updating as soon as things are in order here. I have been thinking of you all and the amazing love we have for our babies...such a beautiful thing.