Different Perspectives

I follow a lot of blogs nowadays, fellow mothers of dead babies, what a great group to be a part of...not. I follow one blog that is called "Still Life 365." It is a collaborative art blog, a "year of art by mothers, fathers and family members grieving babies." Todays post was a very simplistic yet beautiful acrylic painting. The words painted on it were what struck me most:



I have never thought of your life or death this way but wow, truer words have never been spoken. I truly did hold you for every second of your life. For almost 5 months it was you and me baby, you knew me inside and out, I just wish I could have known you the same way. I do feel blessed that you knew me, your mommy, for your whole life and you lived a beautiful, comfortable and loving life in my womb. For that I am so thankful.

Trials

Hi Baby,
How is heaven tonight? It's hot and fast paced and horrible here. The bad news just never stops around here and I'm starting to get really sick and tired of "being strong" and believing "things happen for a reason." I firmly believed that your life and death had a purpose, something I may not understand for a long time, if ever. I believed that God guides us all through trials and from them we become more loving and gracious people. I'm really starting to doubt this theory and God himself, to follow him blindly is becoming increasingly difficult.

There are mounting problems here at home; money, anger, job security and future just to name a few. My world as I knew it 2 months and 2 weeks ago is completely gone or should I say it never really changed and because of that daddy and I are so broken. We had all of these wonderful plans, hopes for your September arrival and the joy you would bring to our lives. That dream crashed and burned and we are now in a very dark and turbulent life. Over these months I have reasoned with God, alot. I pray that your death and the horrible experience we endured during our hospital stay can be the end of our suffering for awhile, the end of our "bad luck." The bad news just keeps compiling though. We are good people, loving and giving, why us? Why all of these things at once? Maybe you could talk to God for mommy and daddy, let him know that we've learned many lessons but need a break now. I so badly want to focus on coming to terms and healing from your loss but its hard to do when my whole world is crumbling around me.

I love you my baby. I dont think that "I think of you every second of every day" is an understatement. I miss you terribly.

Love,
Mommy

Infinity

Reading a fellow baby loss mommys blog tonight, something that she said really struck me. I had never thought about my loss this way and it made me so very sad.
"I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too."

I remember learning in grade school that you could count forever, until infinity. I made up my mind that I would spend as long as it took to count until the very last number known to man and be the first woman ever to count to infinity...I was an optimist back then, not so much anymore. I will never get there, the only thing I know for sure anymore is that someday I will die and the "days since losing Dash count up" will turn into an eternity of "days in Heaven with Dash count up." I have a place and purpose here on earth, when that is fulfilled, I cant wait to dance, sing, laugh, and hold you in heaven.

I couldn't have said it better myself...

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying at night

when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her

to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach

that never wash away ...

I watch over my surviving Mom

who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others ...

a smile of disguise!

But through Heaven's door

I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death;

To keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows

it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom

through Heaven's open door ...

I try to tell her that angels

protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,

or ease the burden she bears.

So, if you get a chance, go visit her.

Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says ...

no matter what she feels.

My surviving Mom has a broken heart

that time won't ever heal.