Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Our Visit With Patches
Patches The Bear arrived on Monday and has been such a joy, doing just what his creator hoped; filling in the missing pieces of our hearts. If you dont know about Patches please visit: http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/
Addison immediately claimed him as her own and I didn't object, it was so cute to see her so excited.
I was expecting him to be a full size teddy bear and was surprised when I opened up his package and found a pocket sized bundle of love! He is perfect though, just the size of Dash's urn which is where he sits tonight. The first thing I noticed other than his size though was that he looked strangely familiar, like I had held him before. Then I realized he is "patched up" just like an "angel bunny" I received from an organization after Dash's death. The bunny has had a place on Dashy's shelf since it arrived and it turns out Patches and Angel Bunny are actually made by the same company...crazy!
Patches arrival time was perfect, this month is hard and I feel Dash everywhere. It hurts my heart and it is definitely in need of some patching. Yesterday Addison and I danced around the house with more joy than I know I have had in a long time and Patches was right in the middle of it, Dash's spirit making me beam :)
Thank you Patches for all that you have done for me and all that you will continue to do for other broken hearted mommy and daddys.
Addison immediately claimed him as her own and I didn't object, it was so cute to see her so excited.
I was expecting him to be a full size teddy bear and was surprised when I opened up his package and found a pocket sized bundle of love! He is perfect though, just the size of Dash's urn which is where he sits tonight. The first thing I noticed other than his size though was that he looked strangely familiar, like I had held him before. Then I realized he is "patched up" just like an "angel bunny" I received from an organization after Dash's death. The bunny has had a place on Dashy's shelf since it arrived and it turns out Patches and Angel Bunny are actually made by the same company...crazy!
Patches arrival time was perfect, this month is hard and I feel Dash everywhere. It hurts my heart and it is definitely in need of some patching. Yesterday Addison and I danced around the house with more joy than I know I have had in a long time and Patches was right in the middle of it, Dash's spirit making me beam :)
Thank you Patches for all that you have done for me and all that you will continue to do for other broken hearted mommy and daddys.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Approaching Curve
16 days until I heard the silence of the ultrasound room. 17 days until I checked into L&D for the most emotionally wrenching experience of my life. 18 days until we said hello and goodbye, your first birthday. Oh I miss you my love. I feel like I held you yesterday, snuggled you close, just you and me in that moment were all that mattered. I love you I love you I love you.
Friday, March 18, 2011
1st Birthday
Dash's birthday is just about a month away and I am at a loss of how exactly to memoralize it. For my due date I did a balloon release and it was very emotional and therapeutic, it really helped relieve all the built up anxiety I had approaching that day. His birthday though, the day we said hello and goodbye, seems like a different sort of event. It wasn't a hypothetical day in the future but the here and now, a day that will forever be his. I just want to reach out and ask other angel baby mommys what they did for their childs first birthday...
One thing I know I want to do is get a candle that will be lit every year on his birthday. Other than that I am at a complete loss.
One thing I know I want to do is get a candle that will be lit every year on his birthday. Other than that I am at a complete loss.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Memories To Say Hello
I saw this poem on a fellow baby loss mamas blog tonight and it struck a chord with me, I just cried at it's truthfulness and honesty...
A Song for Daniel, Stillborn
When I held you in my arms that day
Born so still, born anyway
How was I to know to say goodbye?
No one knew just what to do
Except tell me I'd get over you
As if forgetting makes it all untrue -- a lie
But I remember to remember
I can't forget just to forget
Your memories are a part of me
Connecting me to what comes next.
And even after all this while
I think of you, sometimes I smile
Memories of my unknown child, fade slow.
I've held you in my heart each day
Life so short, life anyway
Memories are meant to say hello.
*****************************************
I've been thinking of you lots lately baby, as if thats something new huh? I feel like I often wonder my days away with all the "what ifs." Wondering what you would look like looking into my eyes, what the sound of your belly laugh would be, if you would like me to hold you close and rock you to sleep, would you be sitting up? Crawling? Eating solids? The unknowns just kill me inside, all those things you never got to do, the things I never got to do with you.
Miss you, love you...
Mommy
A Song for Daniel, Stillborn
by Jean Felice Eilbert (his mother)
Born so still, born anyway
How was I to know to say goodbye?
No one knew just what to do
Except tell me I'd get over you
As if forgetting makes it all untrue -- a lie
But I remember to remember
I can't forget just to forget
Your memories are a part of me
Connecting me to what comes next.
And even after all this while
I think of you, sometimes I smile
Memories of my unknown child, fade slow.
I've held you in my heart each day
Life so short, life anyway
Memories are meant to say hello.
*****************************************
I've been thinking of you lots lately baby, as if thats something new huh? I feel like I often wonder my days away with all the "what ifs." Wondering what you would look like looking into my eyes, what the sound of your belly laugh would be, if you would like me to hold you close and rock you to sleep, would you be sitting up? Crawling? Eating solids? The unknowns just kill me inside, all those things you never got to do, the things I never got to do with you.
Miss you, love you...
Mommy
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Days and Hours
Hi baby...
I was thinking today how I used to know exactly how many days and hours it had been since your birth. Every Tuesday morning I relived the appointment that changed my life and from there the horrible days of labor that followed. As time has gone on, knowing which hour I'm in without you isnt all consuming, I smile at least once a day and sometimes I even laugh and live freely. Truth is though that at the end of every day, here I lay, a mommy without her baby. And for the rest of my life it will be so. A mother without her child, a broken heart that will never again be right. I love you my Dash, my baby boy never far from my thoughts and always in my heart.
Love,
Your Mommy
I was thinking today how I used to know exactly how many days and hours it had been since your birth. Every Tuesday morning I relived the appointment that changed my life and from there the horrible days of labor that followed. As time has gone on, knowing which hour I'm in without you isnt all consuming, I smile at least once a day and sometimes I even laugh and live freely. Truth is though that at the end of every day, here I lay, a mommy without her baby. And for the rest of my life it will be so. A mother without her child, a broken heart that will never again be right. I love you my Dash, my baby boy never far from my thoughts and always in my heart.
Love,
Your Mommy
Friday, February 18, 2011
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