1st Birthday

Dash's birthday is just about a month away and I am at a loss of how exactly to memoralize it. For my due date I did a balloon release and it was very emotional and therapeutic, it really helped relieve all the built up anxiety I had approaching that day. His birthday though, the day we said hello and goodbye, seems like a different sort of event. It wasn't a hypothetical day in the future but the here and now, a day that will forever be his. I just want to reach out and ask other angel baby mommys what they did for their childs first birthday...
One thing I know I want to do is get a candle that will be lit every year on his birthday. Other than that I am at a complete loss.

Memories To Say Hello

I saw this poem on a fellow baby loss mamas blog tonight and it struck a chord with me, I just cried at it's truthfulness and honesty...


A Song for Daniel, Stillborn

by Jean Felice Eilbert (his mother)

When I held you in my arms that day
Born so still, born anyway
How was I to know to say goodbye?
No one knew just what to do
Except tell me I'd get over you
As if forgetting makes it all untrue -- a lie

But I remember to remember
I can't forget just to forget
Your memories are a part of me
Connecting me to what comes next.

And even after all this while
I think of you, sometimes I smile
Memories of my unknown child, fade slow.
I've held you in my heart each day
Life so short, life anyway
Memories are meant to say hello.
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I've been thinking of you lots lately baby, as if thats something new huh? I feel like I often wonder my days away with all the "what ifs." Wondering what you would look like looking into my eyes, what the sound of your belly laugh would be, if you would like me to hold you close and rock you to sleep, would you be sitting up? Crawling? Eating solids? The unknowns just kill me inside, all those things you never got to do, the things I never got to do with you.
Miss you, love you...
Mommy